One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names …and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex”.
“Good morning,” replied the young man — still focused on the plaque”.
“What is this?” Alex asked.
“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service”.
“Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque”.
Little Alex’s voice was trembling .. and barely audible … when he asked, “Which service? … the 8:30 …. or the 11:00?”
A first-grade teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word fascinate in it. A little girl stands up and says, ”Walt Disney World is so fascinating.” The teacher says, ”No, that’s not correct. I said, fascinate.”
Another little girl stands up and says, ”There’s so much fascination when it comes to sea life.” The teacher again says, ”No, the word is fascinate.”
So Little Johnny in the back of the room stands up and says, ”Well, my sister has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the ten buttons on her shirt.”
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, “What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?”
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub.”
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup.” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
“Noooooo,” answered the Director. “A normal person would pull the plug.”
One day, two guys decide to take a drive to a local grocery store to get some lunch. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, “What the heck are you doing? You’re going to get us killed!” Then the driver responded, “Don’t worry, my mother allways drives like this.”
So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, “I thought I told you, you’re gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!” The driver looked at the passenger and responded, “All right! I get it but I told you My mother drives like this all the time!”
Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The Driver slammed on his breaks and stopped the car totally. “What the hell are you doing?” The passenger screamed. “This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?” “Well, my mother might be coming the other way!” the driver said.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
What? said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
Good, said the new husband, “but, why?”
You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!