A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false police report after he called 911 to report… his own murder. The man told the operator he had been “murdered, beaten, possibly kidnapped and thrown down on a bed of spikes.” Police found the man a short time later, still on the convenience store pay-phone he had used to make the call. “It was obvious he hadn’t been murdered,” said one of the arresting officers.

NO… WE’RE JUST GLAD TO SEE YOU

Two wildlife collectors were caught at a Texas border crossing when Customs agents found snakes in their underwear. The men had tied the snakes into pantyhose and stuffed them into their groin area to sneak them across the border from Mexico. Customs inspectors noticed the bulges were wiggling and ordered the pair to drop their pants. The inspectors found 14 snakes — including a boa constrictor — hidden in the men’s pants, boots and pickup truck. The inspectors say they suspected at first that the men were smuggling narcotics… but in the words of one investigator, “drugs don’t move around like that.”

SAFETY FIRST
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A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale. The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat. And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to eat and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.

And the owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”

Little Bobby (seven) was in love with Little Susie (same age) who lived next door.
One day, Bobby went to Susie’s dad and announced (as seriously as he could), “I’m in love with Susie, and we’re getting married”.
Amused, Susie’s dad started asking questions (in the hopes to discourage the idea).
Susie’ dad: “Where will you live?”
Bobby: “Well, Susie has a playhouse in the back yard, so we’re gonna live there.”
Susie’s dad: “How are you going to make money to support her?”
Bobby: “Well, Susie gets 75 cents a week, and I get $1.25 a week.” “That should be more than enough!”
Seeing that Bobby was still serious, Susie’s dad asked, “Well, what about children?”
Bobby perked up and quickly answered, “Oh, we have that figured out already. Whenever Susie lays an egg, I’m gonna stomp on it!”

A traveler and his wife leave their hotel room and go to the lobby to check out. The traveler puts down a $50 bill and asks for a receipt.
The clerk says that his total bill is $75. The traveler explains that the sign advertises all rooms $50/night, tax included. He insisted that his bill is only $50 since he didn’t make any telephone calls, didn’t charge anything in the restaurant and didn’t use the mini bar.
The clerk advised that it’s for the food that comes with every room.
“But we didn’t consume any of the food”, said the traveler.
“Well that’s too bad. It was there and we charge for it”, said the clerk.
“Well then, you owe $75″, said the traveler.
“What for?” said the clerk.
“For screwing my wife last night”, said the traveller.
The clerk explained that he didn’t touch his wife.
“Well too bad…she was there!”