Sid and Barney head out for their usual 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, “let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.” Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
“Help me find my ball, you look over there,” he says to Sid

After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?”

“What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!”

“And a liar, too!!!” Sid says with amazement. “I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”

Sports | Email to a friend | 41 views

A fat man sees an ad that reads “Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (212) 555-DIET” and decides to make the call. The operator asks, “How much weight do you want to lose?”

Twenty pounds, he replies.

We’ll have a representative over in the morning, says the operator.

About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 20 pounds!

That night he calls the number again and says, “I want to lose 50 pounds.” We’ll send someone over. The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 50 pounds!

That night he calls and says, “I want to lose 100 pounds!” Fifty pounds? the operator asks. “That’s an awful lot.” The man replies, “Listen, just take care of it!” About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you..”

Men & Women | Email to a friend | 54 views

A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false police report after he called 911 to report… his own murder. The man told the operator he had been “murdered, beaten, possibly kidnapped and thrown down on a bed of spikes.” Police found the man a short time later, still on the convenience store pay-phone he had used to make the call. “It was obvious he hadn’t been murdered,” said one of the arresting officers.

NO… WE’RE JUST GLAD TO SEE YOU

Two wildlife collectors were caught at a Texas border crossing when Customs agents found snakes in their underwear. The men had tied the snakes into pantyhose and stuffed them into their groin area to sneak them across the border from Mexico. Customs inspectors noticed the bulges were wiggling and ordered the pair to drop their pants. The inspectors found 14 snakes — including a boa constrictor — hidden in the men’s pants, boots and pickup truck. The inspectors say they suspected at first that the men were smuggling narcotics… but in the words of one investigator, “drugs don’t move around like that.”

SAFETY FIRST
(more…)

Police | Email to a friend | 140 views

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The storeowner replies “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale. The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat. And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to eat and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.

And the owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”

Animals | Email to a friend | 62 views

Little Bobby (seven) was in love with Little Susie (same age) who lived next door.
One day, Bobby went to Susie’s dad and announced (as seriously as he could), “I’m in love with Susie, and we’re getting married”.
Amused, Susie’s dad started asking questions (in the hopes to discourage the idea).
Susie’ dad: “Where will you live?”
Bobby: “Well, Susie has a playhouse in the back yard, so we’re gonna live there.”
Susie’s dad: “How are you going to make money to support her?”
Bobby: “Well, Susie gets 75 cents a week, and I get $1.25 a week.” “That should be more than enough!”
Seeing that Bobby was still serious, Susie’s dad asked, “Well, what about children?”
Bobby perked up and quickly answered, “Oh, we have that figured out already. Whenever Susie lays an egg, I’m gonna stomp on it!”

Children | Email to a friend | 96 views