No clergyman shall tell a funny story from the pulpit (West Virginia)
In Atlanta, GA, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
Federal law forbids recycling used eyeglasses in the United States.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields. (North Carolina)
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is prohibited (California).
It was proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse.
It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. (Texas)
A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attended his first baseball game. After a base hit, he heard the fans roaring, “Run…run!”
The next batter connected heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stood up and roared with the crowd in his thick accent, “R-r-r-un yah bahstard. R-r-run!”
A third batter slammed a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screamed, “R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya”.
The next batter’s count went to three and two. As the next pitch went outside the plate, he held his swing. The umpire called a walk and the Scotsman stood up yelling, “R-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!”
All the surrounding fans giggled quietly and he sat down, confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispered, “He didn’t have to run, he’s got four balls”.
After this explanation the Scotsman stood up in disbelief and screamed, “Walk PR-R-ROUD, man! Walk Proud!”
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
— Sharon Stone
My girlfriend always laughs during sex—no matter what she’s reading.
— Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
— Tiger Woods
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
— Jack Nicholson
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
– Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)”
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
— Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
— Billy Crystal
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
— Robert DE Niro
There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
— Dustin Hoffman
There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.
— Jerry Seinfeld
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.
— Rod Stewart
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
— Robin Williams
There was a presidential summit and the presidents of the world were asked to propose topics to discuss about.
The president of the United States said, “I think we’d see about how to stop wars”. Everybody applauded.
The president of Somalia said, “I think we’d see about how to stop hunger”. Everybody applauded.
The president of Costa Rica stood up and said, “I think…”. Everybody applauded.
It is the Olympic men’s figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges’ scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
The Judges’ scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire ‘routine’ getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
The Judges’ scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, “How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!”
To which the Irish judge replies “You’ve gotta remember, it’s damn slippery out there”.