A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, “It’s a lot of money!” The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, where did you get this money?” The old lady replied, “I make bets.” The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?” The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.” “Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!” The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?” “Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!” The old lady said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.” Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, “What wrong with your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I’d have the Bank president’s balls in my hand!”

Business | Email to a friend | 306 views

You told Prudence once she was sublime
Now she’s cast off; abandoned, sub-prime
But your new-best-friend Peter
Who today seems much sweeter
Could yet call the end of your time.

And your old-best-friend, curmudgeon, Ed
His surname, well, best left unsaid
Is too showing signs
In depression’ry times
Of letting you lie on your bed.

So sad that you tried to play tricks on
Sweet Pru : she was hardly a vixen
You now, as you flounder;
A cad, sir, a bounder
Remind me of President Nixon
*

Things have come to a pretty pass
Our romance is growing flat
For you like to borrow
While I like tomorrow
Goodness knows what the end will be
Oh I don’t know where I’m at
I’m going to lose my flat
Something must be done:

You say banker and I say bankster,
You say fiscal and I say frugal
Quantitative easing, I’m feeling queasy, Let’s call the whole thing off….
*

Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Gordon Brown
Oh my darling, oh my darling, you have left me with a frown
My job is outsourced, my home is plundered and my savings have gone west
My country’s broken, my heart is aching, time to call the IMF

You said you’d fix it, oh my darling, oh my darling Gordon Brown
You said you’d fix it with the banksters, but they’ve made you look a clown
You say it’s global, this fiscal snowball, I am freezing Gordon Brown
If you could thaw me, please don’t ignore me, oh my darling Gordon Brown

It’s time to end it, not time to mend it, oh my darling Gordon Brown
We must part now, no new start now, oh my darling Gordon Brown
I’d like to say that, it was fun but, I’d be lying just the same
Just like you do, every time you, move your lips and start to say . . .

Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Gordorn Brown . . .
*

Labour is red
Tories are blue
Smile at me Gordon
I’ve an eye for you
*

Everyone’s talking about the House of Lords,
to my dismay…parodied ‘House of Gord’s’.
I’m a figure of hate
for elevating many a mate…
even those with whom I clashed swords.
*

Keep it up darling, keep it up
*

What would I say ? I would say ” I want a divorce”
*

To Gordon,
You have my heart…
and my bank…
and my mortgage…
and my job
*

Dear Gordon,

Would you like to be my Chancellor when I am President of Europe?
Love,
Tony

P.S. Shall we get the seat warm now?

Source http://timesonline.typepad.com/comment/2009/02/limericks-of-lo.html

News & Politics | Email to a friend | 241 views

The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.
If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?
Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north.
A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: “Oh, $40 a year isn’t too bad.”
If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?
Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in the region.
I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had a jar full of big Kosher dills.
How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little tablet, and it’s a whole new bulb.
If you’re depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn’t work, see a doctor!
If I give my computer monitor Viagra, will the screen get bigger?
For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they’re raising the dead!
I would only take Viagra for intellectual purposes, so my head would swell.
Before Viagra, for some people, making love was classified as “assault with a dead weapon.”
Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland – a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
Viagra Falls, the new waterfall that flows upward.
Viagra, medicine’s version of “MIRACLE-GRO.”
Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn’t really care where.
Are you taking Viagra or are you just happy to see me?
Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid off into the Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up.
If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise you’ll get a stiff neck.
A shipment of Viagra was highjacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for two hardened criminals! They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they’ll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.
A guy left his Viagra tabled in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear.
Did you hear about Levi’s new jeans for Baby Boomer men?…. They come with just a “Viagra” more room.
Newsweek’s’ comments on the trade name Microsoft(r) “Let’s see… “Micro” and “Soft.” Needs Viagra!”
The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive.
The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive.
For women not-in-the-mood, California bars now have Viagra-free zones.
New plans are being made to raise the Titanic. Experts plan to pump it full of Viagra, and expect it to come right up.
Scientists developed the idea for Viagra after studying President Clinton’s DNA.
Even so, we’re told that the funeral home industry is happy about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs means an upswing in business.
We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall.

Sexuality | Email to a friend | 225 views

At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.

They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.”

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”

News & Politics | Email to a friend | 272 views

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size (more…)

News & Politics | Email to a friend | 335 views