Job Application

Posted in Business

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald’s fast-food establishment in Florida… and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place”.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle”.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Presidential Summit

Posted in Misc

There was a presidential summit and the presidents of the world were asked to propose topics to discuss about.
The president of the United States said, “I think we’d see about how to stop wars”. Everybody applauded.
The president of Somalia said, “I think we’d see about how to stop hunger”. Everybody applauded.
The president of Costa Rica stood up and said, “I think…”. Everybody applauded.

Cheating

Posted in Men & Women

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering – have you ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…”

“Well, all right. Yes, 3 times…”

“Three? Well, when were they?” he asked.

“Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”

“Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?”

“Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how the doctor came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?”

“I can’t believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my l ife. I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I coudn’t be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?”

“Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?”

Shocked President

Posted in News & Politics

Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”
“OH NO!” the president exclaimed. “That’s terrible!”
His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.
Finally, the president looked up and asked, “Just how many is a brazillion?”

Iraqis On Star Trek

Posted in News & Politics

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN was walking down the hallway and bumped into President Bush.Hoping to break the ice with an innocuous comment, the ambassador quickly said, “Respectfully, sir. I have a question about what I’ve seen in America”.

Politely, President Bush answered, “If I can help explain things to you, please let me know.”

The Iraqi whispered. “My little girl watches this show called ‘Star Trek’ and in this show, there’s Chekov who is a Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Sulu who is Chinese but there aren’t any Iraqis. Why aren’t there any Iraqis on Star Trek?”.

President Bush whispered back to the ambassador, “It’s because Star Trek takes place in the future.”