A tourist asks a man in uniform, “Are you a policeman?”
“No, I am an undercover detective”.
“So why are you in uniform?”
“Today is my day off”.
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.
“Is there a problem Officer?”
The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?”
The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one”.
“You don’t have one?”
The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving”.
The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”
The policeman says, “Why not?”
“I stole this car”.
The officer says, “Stole it?”
The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner”.
At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what!?”
“She’s in the boot if you want to see”.
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.”
The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”
The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem sir?”
“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”
“Murdered the owner?”
The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?”
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.”
The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”
The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers”.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence”.
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner”.
The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of stout.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences…no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, “I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know”.
“I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really, really have to go, and I just can’t find a public restroom”.
“Ah, yes,” said the policeman…”Just follow me”. He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens”.
“In there,” points the policeman. “Go ahead sir, anywhere you like”.
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman’s blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, “That was really decent of you… is that what you call English hospitality?”
“No sir…”, replied the police officer, “…that is what we call the French Embassy”.
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman’s credibility….
Q: “Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?”
A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”
Q: “Officer — who provided this description?”
A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”
Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?”
A: “Yes, sir. With my life.”
Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”
A: “Yes sir, we do!”
Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”
A: “Yes sir, I do.”
Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”
A: “Yes sir.”
Q: “Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”
A: “You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year’s “Best Comeback” line — and we think he’ll win.
A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights. He walks up to the driver’s window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel. There is a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He says, “I’m going to give you a breathalyser test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.”
She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit. After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says, “It looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.”
She replies, “You mean it shows that, too?”