There was an older man who’d married a younger woman. All was going well… except in the bedroom. He couldn’t last long enough to satisfy her. She said it didn’t matter but he knew it was getting her down. So he went to the doctor and asked for help.

The doctor recommended that he satisfy himself before they have sex — that way, he’d last longer. The next day, the man planned on ravishing his wife when he came home, and decided to please himself on the way. So he pulled over onto a quiet road. But he couldn’t just sit there in his car having a wank, so he decided to lie under the car and pretend that he was fixing he car. He crawled under the car, closed his eyes, imagined his wife naked, and started wanking. After a while he felt something tugging at his jeans.

Sir, this is the police. Would you mind telling us what you’re doing?

Not wanting to lose this wonderful image of his wife he kept his eyes closed.

I’m just fixing the axle of my car, officer.

Well, while you’re down there you’d better check the brakes. Your car has crashed into a tree half a mile down the road!

A cop pulls over a car that’s been swerving across the lanes of a road.

Get out of the car, please.

But I’m not drunk, officer!

Listen, it doesn’t matter if you’re drunk or not. If you don’t get out of this car, I’ll arrest you anyway.

Fine, says the man and gets out of the car.

Okay, now walk this yellow line. The man looks at the line.

Which one of them do I walk on?

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

”I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. ”You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

”How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, ”Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

”Ahhh!” screamed the lawyer. ”Where’s my Rolex!”

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

There ain’t no way they can catch a Corvette, he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. “What the hell am I doing?” he finally thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. “I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t particularly feel like doing more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

Last week my wife ran off with a cop, the man said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

Off you go, said the officer.