There was an older man who’d married a younger woman. All was going well… except in the bedroom. He couldn’t last long enough to satisfy her. She said it didn’t matter but he knew it was getting her down. So he went to the doctor and asked for help.

The doctor recommended that he satisfy himself before they have sex — that way, he’d last longer. The next day, the man planned on ravishing his wife when he came home, and decided to please himself on the way. So he pulled over onto a quiet road. But he couldn’t just sit there in his car having a wank, so he decided to lie under the car and pretend that he was fixing he car. He crawled under the car, closed his eyes, imagined his wife naked, and started wanking. After a while he felt something tugging at his jeans.

Sir, this is the police. Would you mind telling us what you’re doing?

Not wanting to lose this wonderful image of his wife he kept his eyes closed.

I’m just fixing the axle of my car, officer.

Well, while you’re down there you’d better check the brakes. Your car has crashed into a tree half a mile down the road!

Elderly | Email to a friend | 45 views

A cop pulls over a car that’s been swerving across the lanes of a road.

Get out of the car, please.

But I’m not drunk, officer!

Listen, it doesn’t matter if you’re drunk or not. If you don’t get out of this car, I’ll arrest you anyway.

Fine, says the man and gets out of the car.

Okay, now walk this yellow line. The man looks at the line.

Which one of them do I walk on?

Police | Email to a friend | 48 views

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

”I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. ”You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

”How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, ”Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

”Ahhh!” screamed the lawyer. ”Where’s my Rolex!”

Lawyer | Email to a friend | 169 views

A fellow bought a new Corvette and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

There ain’t no way they can catch a Corvette, he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100, 130 and finally 150 with the light still behind him. “What the hell am I doing?” he finally thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. “I’ve had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don’t particularly feel like doing more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

Last week my wife ran off with a cop, the man said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

Off you go, said the officer.

Police | Email to a friend | 200 views

The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.” Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don”t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn”t have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can”t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”

The wife smiles demurely and says, “You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.”As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Dammit, woman, can”t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, “And I notice that you”re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That”s an automatic $75 fine.”

The driver says, “Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.”

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn”t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you”re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WHY DON”T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??”

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma”am?”

“Only when he”s been drinking.”

Men & Women | Email to a friend | 234 views