Russian War College

Posted in Military

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, “Will we have to fight a World War Three?”
“Yes, comrades, looks like you will”, answers the general.
“And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?” another officer asks.
“The likelihood is that it will be China”.
The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, “But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?”
“Well,” replies the general, “Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time”.
“But sir ,” asks the panicky officer, “Do we have enough jews?”

Speeding Ticket

Posted in Police

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.

“Is there a problem Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one”.

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving”.

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car”.

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner”.

At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what!?”

“She’s in the boot if you want to see”.

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.”

The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem sir?”

“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”

“Murdered the owner?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?”

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.”

The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”

The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers”.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence”.

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner”.

The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”

London Toilets

Posted in Police

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences…no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, “I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know”.

“I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really, really have to go, and I just can’t find a public restroom”.

“Ah, yes,” said the policeman…”Just follow me”. He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens”.

“In there,” points the policeman. “Go ahead sir, anywhere you like”.

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman’s blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, “That was really decent of you… is that what you call English hospitality?”

“No sir…”, replied the police officer, “…that is what we call the French Embassy”.

Blonde Speeding

Posted in Blondes, Police

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.

“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am. Could I see your drivers license?”

“What’s a license???” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

“It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. “Now may I see your registration?” asked the cop.

“Registration….. what’s that….?” asked the blonde.

“It’s usually in your glove compartment.” said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

“I’ll be back in a minute.” said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?”

“Yes” replied the officer

“Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher

“Uh… yes” replied the cop.

“Here’s what you do” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants”.

“What!!? I can’t do that. Its… inappropriate” exclaimed the cop.

“Trust me. Just do it” said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs….. “Ohh no… not another breathalyser”.