He was a criminal with crooked thoughts and found it hard to think straight.
When a spy trails a businessman, he has to follow suit.
When a son said that his ambition was to drive an army tank his father said ‘I won’t stand in your way.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.
My two uncles bet who would get married first. Then one upped the ante.
Some students concentrate lesson history and moron themselves.
When a thief saw two rings he did a double take.
On the shelf there are ten math books, five geography books, and the rest is history.
When vegetables want to converse with petunias, they use a cell phone and cauliflower.
Those whose child is going through a ‘phase’ may wish they had a phaser.
When my friend started to go bald, I tried not to laugh, but he looked hair-larious.
When Mongolians walk they like to take big steppes.
When he stepped out into the dusk with his three brothers he had a sudden four-shadowing.
Pearl Opal and Ruby all work in a jewelry store with Grace.
He became a math teacher due to some prime factors.
When Irish boys carry their little brothers, they get a Pat on the back.
When I had my PlayStation stolen, my family were there to console me.
A new country decided to conduct a flag poll.
Washing blankets with perfume is quilty until proven in a scent.
The school had a door made of iron. That was why it was called the school of hard knocks.

This guy is in the hospital with two broken legs that he got from a car crash.

The nurse comes into the room that he is in and says that she has good news and bad news. The guy asks for the bad news first.

The nurse says, ”We’re going to have to remove your legs.”

Then the guy asks for the bad news.

The nurse says, ”The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers.”

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a cheque.. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, “Well that’s great…… just great…..Some asshole’s got my pen.”

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?” Embarrassed the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your face and hands.” He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, Are my testicles black?” Again the nurse replies, “I can’t tell. I’m only here to wash your face and hands.” The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong. “Sister,” he mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, “Nothing wrong with them!!!” At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, Are my test results back???