No clergyman shall tell a funny story from the pulpit (West Virginia)
In Atlanta, GA, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
Federal law forbids recycling used eyeglasses in the United States.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields. (North Carolina)
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is prohibited (California).
It was proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse.
It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. (Texas)
A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city’s problems.
Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, “Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!”
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, “I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed…”
“Look there you go again,” said the man, “How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?”
“Of course not!” gasped the nun, “The evil alcohol has never touched my lips”.
“Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?”
“Well, I really don’t know …”
“I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I’ll buy you a drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that “evil” is not inside the glass, it’s inside the person”.
“Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it’s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me”.
“Well let’s go inside and settle this”
“No my son, I could never enter such a place… but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this “scotch” you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it”.
“You’re on!” said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, “Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please”
The bartender sighed and said, “Is that darn nun out there again!”
The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, “You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?”
The driver is understandably hesitant and says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that”.
But the pope persists, “Please?”
The driver finally lets up. “Oh, all right, I can’t really say no to the pope”.
So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: “Chief, I have a problem.”
Chief: “What sort of problem?”
Cop: “Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it’s someone really important”.
Chief: “Important like the mayor?”
Cop: “No, no, much more important than that”.
Chief: “Important like the governor?”
Cop: “Wayyyyyy more important than that”.
Chief: “Like the president?”
Chief: “Who’s more important than the president?”
Cop: “I don’t know, but he’s got the pope driving for him!”
Yo mama’s so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
Yo mama so fat, when she dive into the ocean, there is a tsunami warning out!!
Yo Mama so fat, she’s gotta wake up in sections.
Yo Mama so fat, she rolled out of bed and everybody thought there was an earthquake.
Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said “Taxi!”
Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago
Yo Mama’s so fat that while she’s sits on the beach, the lifeguard comes up to her to say, “Excuse me mame, but the tide wants to come in.”
Yo Mama’s so fat that when she sits on the beach, whales swim up to her and sing “We are family!”
Yo Mama’s so fat she uses an air balloon forparachute.
Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.
On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”
On a Maine shop: “Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”
At a number of military bases: “Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”
On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: “Now available in multi-packs.”
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: “Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”
In a funeral parlour: “Ask about our layaway plan.”
In a clothing store: “Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”
In a Tacoma, a Washington men’s clothing store: “15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!”
Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: “Specialist in women and other diseases.”
Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: “Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn’t worth anything – gas is!”
Sign at a Budapest zoo: “Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.”