Yo mama’s so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.

Yo mama so fat, when she dive into the ocean, there is a tsunami warning out!!

Yo Mama so fat, she’s gotta wake up in sections.

Yo Mama so fat, she rolled out of bed and everybody thought there was an earthquake.

Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said “Taxi!”

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago

Yo Mama’s so fat that while she’s sits on the beach, the lifeguard comes up to her to say, “Excuse me mame, but the tide wants to come in.”

Yo Mama’s so fat that when she sits on the beach, whales swim up to her and sing “We are family!”

Yo Mama’s so fat she uses an air balloon forparachute.

Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.

Insults | Email to a friend | 136 views

On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”

On a Maine shop: “Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”

At a number of military bases: “Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”

On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: “Now available in multi-packs.”

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: “Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”

In a funeral parlour: “Ask about our layaway plan.”

In a clothing store: “Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”

In a Tacoma, a Washington men’s clothing store: “15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!”

Sign in the office of a Roman doctor: “Specialist in women and other diseases.”

Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: “Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn’t worth anything – gas is!”

Sign at a Budapest zoo: “Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.”

Thats Life | Email to a friend | 181 views

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can’t make it through twenty minutes without either puking or shitting.

After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes to shit. He doesn’t want to cancel the date, because he’s afraid he won’t ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride).
(more…)

Thats Life | Email to a friend | 167 views

At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.

They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.”

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.”

News & Politics | Email to a friend | 271 views

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.

The teller said, “Fluctuations.”

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, “Fluc you Amelicans, too!”

Misc | Email to a friend | 197 views