Microsoft Support

Posted in Technology

Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask “What is the registration number of the light bulb?”, one to ask “Have you tried rebooting it?”, another to ask “Have you tried reinstalling it?” and the last one to say “It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine…”

Toasters

Posted in Technology

If Oracle made toasters… They’d claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you’d discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters… They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters… You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters… The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Thinking Machines made toasters… You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters… They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If the Rand Corporation made toasters… It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters… Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security. If Sony made toasters… The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters… They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters… ‘Baby’s First Toaster’ would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.

If Microsoft made toasters… Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster ’02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters… It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.

Viagra 1 Liners

Posted in Sexuality

The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.
If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?
Men taking iron supplements are warned that taking Viagra may cause them to spin around and point north.
A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: “Oh, $40 a year isn’t too bad.”
If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?
Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in the region.
I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had a jar full of big Kosher dills.
How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little tablet, and it’s a whole new bulb.
If you’re depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn’t work, see a doctor!
If I give my computer monitor Viagra, will the screen get bigger?
For years the medical professional has been looking after the ill, to make them better. Now, with Viagra, they’re raising the dead!
I would only take Viagra for intellectual purposes, so my head would swell.
Before Viagra, for some people, making love was classified as “assault with a dead weapon.”
Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland – a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
Viagra Falls, the new waterfall that flows upward.
Viagra, medicine’s version of “MIRACLE-GRO.”
Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn’t really care where.
Are you taking Viagra or are you just happy to see me?
Rumor has it that when a truck carrying a load of Viagra slid off into the Ohio River, all the lift bridges suddenly went up.
If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise you’ll get a stiff neck.
A shipment of Viagra was highjacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for two hardened criminals! They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they’ll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.
A guy left his Viagra tabled in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear.
Did you hear about Levi’s new jeans for Baby Boomer men?…. They come with just a “Viagra” more room.
Newsweek’s’ comments on the trade name Microsoft(r) “Let’s see… “Micro” and “Soft.” Needs Viagra!”
The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive.
The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive.
For women not-in-the-mood, California bars now have Viagra-free zones.
New plans are being made to raise the Titanic. Experts plan to pump it full of Viagra, and expect it to come right up.
Scientists developed the idea for Viagra after studying President Clinton’s DNA.
Even so, we’re told that the funeral home industry is happy about Viagra overdoses: Lots of new stiffs means an upswing in business.
We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall.

Capitalism for Dummies

Posted in News & Politics

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size Continue reading

Husbands’ Performance

Posted in Sexuality, Technology

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands’ performance as lovers. The first woman says “‘My husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.”

The second woman says, ‘”My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.”

The third woman just shakes her head and says, “My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it.”