A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no”, the man replied.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair”.
“I’m afraid I can’t”, breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message”, she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.
“Tell him,” she whispers “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women’s bathroom….”
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a fuckin’ checking account”.
The teller, surprised with his behaviour, replies, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”
“Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin’ checking account right now”.
“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!”, said the teller.
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”
“There’s no damn problem,” the man said, “I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin’ checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see sir,” the manager said, “and this bitch is giving you a hard time??”
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. “John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only -Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”
A manager was complaining in a staff meeting that he wasn’t getting any respect.
Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”.
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said.
“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”
A Mexican walks into a bakery and asks, “Excuse me, may I have a bum, please?” The baker laughs and says, “Oh, you must mean a bun, sure, here you go.”
The Mexican next goes to the hardware store. He asks the clerk, “Excuse me, can I get a fucket here?” The clerk laughs and says, “Oh, you must mean a bucket. Of course!”
The Mexican then goes to a pet shop. He asks the manager, “May i have a Cockandspankit?” The manager laughs and says. “I think i misunderstood you, you must mean a Cockerspaniel.
On his way home, the Mexican loses the leash on his dog. The Mexican frantically runs after it and yells at a woman and asks, “Can you please hold my bum and f*** it, while I go get my cock and spank it?”