No clergyman shall tell a funny story from the pulpit (West Virginia)
In Atlanta, GA, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
Federal law forbids recycling used eyeglasses in the United States.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields. (North Carolina)
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is prohibited (California).
It was proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse.
It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. (Texas)
An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of stout.
After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences…no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, “I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know”.
“I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really, really have to go, and I just can’t find a public restroom”.
“Ah, yes,” said the policeman…”Just follow me”. He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens”.
“In there,” points the policeman. “Go ahead sir, anywhere you like”.
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the policeman’s blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, “That was really decent of you… is that what you call English hospitality?”
“No sir…”, replied the police officer, “…that is what we call the French Embassy”.
alma chizzit – A request to find the cost of an item
amant – Quantity; sum total (“Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend”)
assband – Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc
awss – A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost (“That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t’day”)
branna – More brown than on a previous occasion (“Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on a sunbed?”)
cort a panda – A rather large hamburger
Dan in the maff – Unhappy (“Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit Dan in the maff”)
eye-eels – Women’s shoes
Furrock – The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre
garrij – A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: “Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper”)
Ibeefa – Balaeric holiday island
lafarjik – Lacking in energy (“I feel all lafarjik”)
OI OI! – Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs
paipa – The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport
reband – The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover (“I couldn’t elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig”)
Saffend – Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV’s popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday
tan – The city of London
webbats – Querying the location something or someone is. (“Webbats is me dole card Trace? I’ve gotta sign on in arf hour”)
wonnid – 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police
zaggerate – To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. (“I told ya a fazzand times already”)
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning, madam. You don’t know me but I’ve come to….”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.
“Really ?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?” asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”
“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“I hope we can get this over with quickly,” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.” “Oh my god!!”, Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.” The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
“She was difficult ?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes,” the photographer said.
“And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.” Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
“You mean they actually chewed on your, eh……equipment ?”
“That’s right. Well madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod??”, Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?….. Good Lord, she’s fainted!”
A guy goes to a recruitment agency in Glasgow and asks, “How you got any good jobs?”
“Sure,” replies the interviewer, “I’ve got an excellent job working in a strip club. You’d have to help the girls undress and put on their costumes. You’d also have to oil them and stuff like that.”
“Sounds great,” says the guy.
“Fantastic, can you get to London’s Soho by 9.00am tomorrow?”
“Why,” asks the guy, “is that where the job is?”
“No, that’s where the line starts.”