The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, “‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor’”.

A small voice from the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher; she’s still old, nasty, and wrinkled”.

Children, Education | Email to a friend | 122 views

A guy calls a law office and says: “I want to talk to my lawyer”.
The receptionist replies, “I’m sorry, but he died last week”.
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, “I told you yesterday, he died last week.”
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, “I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”
The guy says, “Because I just love hearing it.”

Lawyer | Email to a friend | 124 views

A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”

Lawyer | Email to a friend | 150 views

(Sing to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to my story ’bout a man named John, A poor ex-marine with little fraction gone,

It seems one night after gettin’ with the wife, She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife. Penis, that is.

Clean cut.

Missed his nuts. Well, the next thing you know, there’s a Ginsu by his side,

And Lorena’s in the car takin’ Willie for a ride.

She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,

And tossed him out the window as she came around the bend.

Curve, that is.

Tossed the nub.

In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed the attack,

And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.

They sniffed and they barked and they pointed, ‘over there!’

To John Wayne’s Henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is.

By a fence.

Evidence. Now Peter and John couldn’t stay apart too long,

So a dick doc said, ‘Hey, I can fix that dong!’ ‘A needle and a thread is all we’re gonna need,’ and the whole world waited till they heard that Johnny peed.

Whizzed, that is.

Even seam.

Straight stream. Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,

With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short. They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape, And his pecker was the only thing they didn’t show on tape.

Video, that is.

Unexposed. Case closed.

Men & Women | Email to a friend | 149 views