King Arthur is in Merlin’s office getting a demonstration of the wizard’s latest creation. It’s a chastity belt with a difference; it has a rather large hole in the crutch area.
“Merlin, this is useless” the King exclaims, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, while I’m away on a quest?”
“Observe.” says Merlin as he picks up a carrot and inserts it into the chastity belt’s opening. A razor sharp blade flicks across the opening and guillotine’s the carrot cleanly in two.
“Merlin my man, you’re a genius!” says the grateful king. “Now I can leave for my quest, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.” The very next day King Arthur puts Guinevere in the belt and sets out on a quest.
Several months pass before Arthur return’s to Camelot. Immediately he assembles his knights in the courtyard and asks them to drop their pants. Arthur’s worst suspicions are confirmed. All but one of his knights have amputated or damaged dicks. “Sir Galahad,” shouts King Arthur. “You are my only trustworthy knight! Name whatever you desire. If it’s in my power to grant it, its yours!” But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless!
A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.”
“Madam,” said the sales manager, “the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!”
She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, “Nelson.”
The radio responded, “Ricky or Willie?”
She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that’s what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying “On The Road Again” when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.
“Idiot!” she yelled and, from the radio, “Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.”
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, “I’ll just have the eggs Benedict.” His order comes a while later and it’s served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, “What’s with the hubcap?” The waiter sings, “Oh, there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” No, I’m sorry, replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writer’s cramp.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins – if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal!”
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.