A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer’s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

If you can read this whole story without laughing then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is. They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting From America.

Frank: “Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in.

I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event: Read more »

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: ‘No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’ “. – Eleanor Roosevelt

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible. – George Burns

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. – Mark Twain

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. – Les Dawson

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher – Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
I was always a good housekeeper. Whenever I divorced I always kept the house. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Money can’t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. – Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. – Mark Twain

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth, or the fourteenth. – George Burns

A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one thing with them. The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever he wants. The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won’t get thirsty. Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door. The judge asked, “Why in the world would you want to take a car door?” The man replies, “Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window.”