By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted – Helen Rowland
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield
I like to wake up each morning feeling a new man. – Jean Harlow
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx
I’ve sometimes thought of marrying, and then I’ve thought again. – Noel Coward
Behind every great man there is a surprised woman. – Maryon Pearson
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women. – Marion Smith
The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him – Oscar Wilde
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie
A husband’s last words should always be ‘OK buy it’.
The most dangerous food a man can eat is wedding cake – Unknown.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. – Marvin Kitman
A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you. – Mae West
The trouble with some woman is that they get all excited about nothing, and then marry him – Cher
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. – Max Kauffmann
I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. – Marie Corelli
I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid. – Dorothy Parker
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. – Jim Backus
Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The judge told Mickey, “Look here Mickey Mouse, I can’t grant you a divorce from Minnie!”
Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, “Why not???”
The Judge said, “I’ve reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can’t find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!”
Mickey Mouse says, “Your Honour! I didn’t say she was CRAZY, I said she was f**ing Goofy!”
This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.
A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.”
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued….and won!
In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire,” and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the “fires.
NOW FOR THE BEST PART… After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
ONLY IN AMERICA
A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim “a little bit”. When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, “I would say it was about one-tenth that hard”.
It is the Olympic men’s figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges’ scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.
The Judges’ scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire ‘routine’ getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.
The Judges’ scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, “How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!”
To which the Irish judge replies “You’ve gotta remember, it’s damn slippery out there”.