George W Bush was being informed about the latest casualties in Iraq. His advisor just told him that 3 Brazilian soldiers had been killed. Bush’s face went white, and he started crying and shaking. Oh my god…! he exclaimed. “That’s a catastrophe!” He sat there for a few more minutes, stunned, while his advisors looked on, bemused. Eventually, George turned to them again, and asked – in a whisper: Just exactly how many zeroes are there in a brazillion?

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair’s a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 – 90 a man is like Zimbabwe – ruled by a dick.

President George W Bush

ON HIMSELF

“They misunderestimated me.”
Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 November, 2000

“I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe – I believe what I believe is right.” Rome, 22 July, 2001

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.”
Nashville, Tennessee, 17 September, 2002

“There’s no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead.”
Washington DC, 11 May, 2001

“I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.”
Nashville, Tennessee, 27 May, 2004

FOREIGN AFFAIRS

“For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times.”
Tokyo, 18 February, 2002
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Anthony Seldon, Tony Blair’s biographer.
His achievements should look better with the passage of time.

Prime Minister Tony Blair’s comments, on the Parkinson show, about the decision to go to war in Iraq.
Tony Blair: That decision has to be taken and has to be lived with, and in the end there is a judgement that, well, I think if you have faith about these things then you realise that judgement is made by other people, and also by…
Michael Parkinson: Sorry, what do you mean by that?
Tony Blair: I mean by other people, by, if you believe in God, it’s made by God as well and that judgement in the end has to be, you know, you do your…
When you’re faced with a decision like that, and some of those decisions have been very, very difficult, as I say, most of all because you know there are people’s lives, not just, this isn’t a matter of a policy here or a thing there but their lives, and in some case, their death.
The only way you can take a decision like that is to try to do the right thing according to your conscience, and for the rest of it you leave it, as I say, to the judgement that history will make.

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne on Gordon Brown.
You’ll make an effing awful Prime Minister.

Shadow Home Secretary David Davis.
The only difference between David and me is that I would hug hoodies a little harder and a little longer, I suspect.

Former Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy.
Over the last 18 months, I have been coming to terms with and seeking to cope with a drink problem.

George W. Bush responding to speculation that American forces could be called back from Iraq.
This business about graceful exit just simply has no realism to it at all.

George W. Bush helping the Republican cause on the campaign trail in Des Moines, Iowa.
You know, when I campaigned here in 2000, I said, I want to be a war President. No President wants to be a war President, but I am one.

John Prescott on his extra-marital affair.
I am not a saint. I am not a forever sinner. And I don’t think I am unique.

George Bush on the prospect of continuing the Presidential legacy.
I would like to see Jeb run at some point in time. He would make a great president.

David Cameron on UKIP.
UKIP is a bunch of fruit cakes and loonies and closet racists mostly.

Ken Livingstone.
It would be quite nice if the American ambassador in Britain could pay the charge that everybody else is paying and not try and [evade] it like some chiselling little crook.