A man joining a monestary was told he was to take a vow of silence and was only to be allowed to speak two words every five years.After the first five years had passed he walked into the chambers of the head Monk and said “Bed Hard”, then turned and walked out. After the next five years passed he returned to the chambers of the head Monk and said ” Food Cold “, then turned and walked out. After the next five years had passd he once again entered the chambers of the head Monk and said “I Quit”. The head Monk looked at him and replied. “Well, that doesn’t surprise me one bit, you’ve done nothing but bitch since you got here”"

For a long time, Mary had a sexual fantasy of having hot sex with a black man. One night Mary finds herself in a bar. After a while she meets a handsome black man, who appears to be charming and a great guy. So she figures what the heck, I’ll go for it. So Mary asks the guy to come home with her.

When they get to Mary’s apartment they had a few more glasses of wine. Mary looks deeply into the guy’s eyes and tells him about her fantasy and asks him to be a part of it!

Well, the guy agrees and so the two head for Mary’s bedroom. Mary is hot by now and says, “OK, I want you to undress me and tie me to the bed!”

So the guy takes four of her silk scarves and securely ties her arms and legs to the bedposts so that she’s left spread-eagle.

By this time, Mary is worked into frenzy. She looks up at the black guy with lust in her eyes and says, “OK, big boy, do what you do best to me!” And would you believe it he does. He walks out of the bedroom into the lounge grabs her TV and climbs out the window!

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

”I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. ”You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

”How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, ”Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

”Ahhh!” screamed the lawyer. ”Where’s my Rolex!”