Shocked President

Posted in News & Politics

Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”
“OH NO!” the president exclaimed. “That’s terrible!”
His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.
Finally, the president looked up and asked, “Just how many is a brazillion?”

Fast as You Can

Posted in Misc

A young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Mo-ped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there sonny?”

The young man replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars”

That’s a lot of money, says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour! states the young man proudly.

The old man asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

No problem, replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his Mo-ped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my Mo-ped!”

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be. Suddenly something whips by him going much faster!

What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari? the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Mo-ped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Mo-ped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do.

Suddenly, the Mo-ped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out and to see, unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook…my…suspenders…from…your…side-view…mirror”.

The Vow

Posted in Misc

A man joining a monestary was told he was to take a vow of silence and was only to be allowed to speak two words every five years.After the first five years had passed he walked into the chambers of the head Monk and said “Bed Hard”, then turned and walked out. After the next five years passed he returned to the chambers of the head Monk and said ” Food Cold “, then turned and walked out. After the next five years had passd he once again entered the chambers of the head Monk and said “I Quit”. The head Monk looked at him and replied. “Well, that doesn’t surprise me one bit, you’ve done nothing but bitch since you got here””

Mary’s fantasy

Posted in Misc

For a long time, Mary had a sexual fantasy of having hot sex with a black man. One night Mary finds herself in a bar. After a while she meets a handsome black man, who appears to be charming and a great guy. So she figures what the heck, I’ll go for it. So Mary asks the guy to come home with her.

When they get to Mary’s apartment they had a few more glasses of wine. Mary looks deeply into the guy’s eyes and tells him about her fantasy and asks him to be a part of it!

Well, the guy agrees and so the two head for Mary’s bedroom. Mary is hot by now and says, “OK, I want you to undress me and tie me to the bed!”

So the guy takes four of her silk scarves and securely ties her arms and legs to the bedposts so that she’s left spread-eagle.

By this time, Mary is worked into frenzy. She looks up at the black guy with lust in her eyes and says, “OK, big boy, do what you do best to me!” And would you believe it he does. He walks out of the bedroom into the lounge grabs her TV and climbs out the window!