Playing golf

Posted in Men & Women, Sports

Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon.

They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men’s game.

“Don’t they know their supposed to let us play through?!” asked the first man.

The other man shook his head. “I’m going to go ask them if we can play through,” said the first man, emphatically, “Enough is enough!”

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

“Oh God,” he said to his friend, “This is awful. You’re going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!”

The other man shrugged, and said “No sweat”.

He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said – “Small world isn’t it!”

Eyesight gotten bad

Posted in Sports

“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.”

“But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife,”Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”

“But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

“Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot.”

Lost Ball

Posted in Sports

Sid and Barney head out for their usual 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, “let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.” Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
“Help me find my ball, you look over there,” he says to Sid

After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?”

“What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!”

“And a liar, too!!!” Sid says with amazement. “I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”

Essex Jokes

Posted in Misc

Q: What is the difference between an Essex Man and an Essex girl?
A. An Essex girl has a higher sperm count.

Q: What does an Essex girl do with her arsehole after sex?
A. She takes him down the pub.

Q: What’s the difference between meeting an Essex girl and a Club 18-30 Holiday on the Costa Del?
A. There’s only a 99% chance of sex on a Club 18-30 Holiday.

Q: What’s the difference between an Essex girl and a Walrus?
A. One is big, fat, ugly with a moustache and smells of fish. The other is a Walrus.

Q: What’s the difference between Essex girl and a plate of spaghetti?
A. The spaghetti moves when you eat it.

Q: What’s the difference between Essex girl and a packet of Persil?
A. Persil contains no bleach.

Q: What word isn’t in an Essex girl’s vocabulary?
A. No.

Q: How do you drown an Essex girl?
A. Put a mirror at the bottom of a swimming pool.

Q: What does an Essex girl keep in her handbag?
A. Her knickers.

Q: What’s the difference between an Essex Girl and a Christmas Present?
A. You always get what you want from an Essex Girl.

Q: What do you call an Essex Girl who screws ten men a day?
A. An underachiever.

Q: What’s the difference between the Old Kent Road and an Essex Girl?
A. Not everyone has been up the Old Kent Road.

Q: Why do Essex Girls prefer men who sleep around?
A. They know their condoms won’t be past their Best Before Date.

Q: What do you say to an Essex Girl who can suck a golf ball through a garden hose?
A. Marry me.

Q: How does Essex Girl get pregnant?
A. Wayne comes in her stiletto, the flies do the rest.

Q: What’s the difference between an Essex Girl and a Crop Circle?
A. A Crop Circle might JUST contain signs of intelligence.

Q: Why is an Essex girl like an anchor?
A. She goes down so quickly.

Q: Why does an Essex girl wear tight skirts to the office?
A. To keep her legs together.

Q: What’s the difference between Essex girl and Rubiks Cube?
A. You need both hands and more than 5 minutes to do a Rubik’s Cube.

Stevie Plays Golf

Posted in Entertainment, Sports

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, “How is the singing career going?” Stevie Wonder says, “Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf.”

Nicklaus replies: “Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I’m still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I’ve got that right now.”

“I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right,” says Stevie.

“You play golf!” asks Jack.

Stevie says, “Yes, I have been playing for years.”

“But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?” Jack asks.

“I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice,” explains Stevie.

“But how do you putt?” Nicklaus wondered.

“Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice.”

Nicklaus says, “What is your handicap?”

“Well, I play off scratch,” Stevie assures Jack.

Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, “We must play a game sometime.”

Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole.”

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, “OK, I’m up for that. When would you like to play?”

“I don’t care – any night next week is OK with me.”