Sid and Barney head out for their usual 9 holes. Sid offers Barney, “let’s say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.” Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.
“Help me find my ball, you look over there,” he says to Sid

After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, “After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?”

“What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!”

“And a liar, too!!!” Sid says with amazement. “I’ll have you know I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!”

Sports | Email to a friend | 118 views

Q: What is the difference between an Essex Man and an Essex girl?
A. An Essex girl has a higher sperm count.

Q: What does an Essex girl do with her arsehole after sex?
A. She takes him down the pub.

Q: What’s the difference between meeting an Essex girl and a Club 18-30 Holiday on the Costa Del?
A. There’s only a 99% chance of sex on a Club 18-30 Holiday.

Q: What’s the difference between an Essex girl and a Walrus?
A. One is big, fat, ugly with a moustache and smells of fish. The other is a Walrus.

Q: What’s the difference between Essex girl and a plate of spaghetti?
A. The spaghetti moves when you eat it.

Q: What’s the difference between Essex girl and a packet of Persil?
A. Persil contains no bleach.

Q: What word isn’t in an Essex girl’s vocabulary?
A. No.

Q: How do you drown an Essex girl?
A. Put a mirror at the bottom of a swimming pool.

Q: What does an Essex girl keep in her handbag?
A. Her knickers.

Q: What’s the difference between an Essex Girl and a Christmas Present?
A. You always get what you want from an Essex Girl.

Q: What do you call an Essex Girl who screws ten men a day?
A. An underachiever.

Q: What’s the difference between the Old Kent Road and an Essex Girl?
A. Not everyone has been up the Old Kent Road.

Q: Why do Essex Girls prefer men who sleep around?
A. They know their condoms won’t be past their Best Before Date.

Q: What do you say to an Essex Girl who can suck a golf ball through a garden hose?
A. Marry me.

Q: How does Essex Girl get pregnant?
A. Wayne comes in her stiletto, the flies do the rest.

Q: What’s the difference between an Essex Girl and a Crop Circle?
A. A Crop Circle might JUST contain signs of intelligence.

Q: Why is an Essex girl like an anchor?
A. She goes down so quickly.

Q: Why does an Essex girl wear tight skirts to the office?
A. To keep her legs together.

Q: What’s the difference between Essex girl and Rubiks Cube?
A. You need both hands and more than 5 minutes to do a Rubik’s Cube.

Misc | Email to a friend | 351 views

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, “How is the singing career going?” Stevie Wonder says, “Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how is the golf.”

Nicklaus replies: “Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I’m still making a bit of money. I have some problems with my swing but I think I’ve got that right now.”

“I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right,” says Stevie.

“You play golf!” asks Jack.

Stevie says, “Yes, I have been playing for years.”

“But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?” Jack asks.

“I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice,” explains Stevie.

“But how do you putt?” Nicklaus wondered.

“Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice.”

Nicklaus says, “What is your handicap?”

“Well, I play off scratch,” Stevie assures Jack.

Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, “We must play a game sometime.”

Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole.”

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, “OK, I’m up for that. When would you like to play?”

“I don’t care – any night next week is OK with me.”

Entertainment, Sports | Email to a friend | 345 views

A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”

The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”

Sports | Email to a friend | 238 views