No clergyman shall tell a funny story from the pulpit (West Virginia)
In Atlanta, GA, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
Federal law forbids recycling used eyeglasses in the United States.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields. (North Carolina)
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is prohibited (California).
It was proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse.
It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. (Texas)
On Irish radio there is a guy called Larry Gogan who has been running the “Just-a-Minute quiz” every lunchtime for years. These are actual answers from some contestants…
1) Something a blind man might use? A sword
2) A Song with the word Moon in the title? Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the Capital of France? F
4) Name a bird with a long neck? Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal? Opposite the dental hospital
7) What is Hitler’s first name – Heil
8) As happy as…. (Larry gave a hint – think of my name) – A pig in sh*t
9) Some famous brothers – Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race – The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath – Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the – Three Musketeers A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach – A deck-chair
14) A famous – Royal Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn’t have an engine – A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge – The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does – Goes to the toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom – Decorate
19) A method of securing your home – Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs – The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac – April
22) Something people might be allergic to – Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed – Sleep
24) Something you put on walls – A roof
25) Something slippery – A con-man
26) A kind of ache – A fillet of fish
27) A Jacket Potato topping – Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white – A potato
29) A famous Scotsman – Jock
30) A famous Welshman – Vinnie Jones
31) Something you open other than a door – Your bowels
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.
The chief comes to them and says, “the bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”
The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” the chief gives him a sword, he shouts,”Vive la France!” and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, “a pistol for me, please.” The chief gives him a pistol, he points itat his head, says, “God save the queen!” and pulls the trigger.
The New Yorker says, “gimme the fawkin’fork.” the chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork.
The new Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There’s blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible.
The chief is appalled, and asks, “my God almighty, what are you doing?”
The New Yorker says, “so much for your canoe, you stupid asshole!”
The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair’s a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 – 90 a man is like Zimbabwe – ruled by a dick.
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and ‘cheesemongers’?
Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.
Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don’t know.
White: I’ll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant : Arm.
White: Correct. And if you’re not weak, you’re…?
White: Correct – and what was Lord Mountbatten’s first name?
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy? (more…)