A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false police report after he called 911 to report… his own murder. The man told the operator he had been “murdered, beaten, possibly kidnapped and thrown down on a bed of spikes.” Police found the man a short time later, still on the convenience store pay-phone he had used to make the call. “It was obvious he hadn’t been murdered,” said one of the arresting officers.

NO… WE’RE JUST GLAD TO SEE YOU

Two wildlife collectors were caught at a Texas border crossing when Customs agents found snakes in their underwear. The men had tied the snakes into pantyhose and stuffed them into their groin area to sneak them across the border from Mexico. Customs inspectors noticed the bulges were wiggling and ordered the pair to drop their pants. The inspectors found 14 snakes — including a boa constrictor — hidden in the men’s pants, boots and pickup truck. The inspectors say they suspected at first that the men were smuggling narcotics… but in the words of one investigator, “drugs don’t move around like that.”

SAFETY FIRST
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Just keep in mind this was on live radio….”
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL, they call someone at work and ask if they’re married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions and the significant other’s name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners.”

This particular day it got interesting:

DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know “Mate Match”?”

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What is your name? First name only please.

Contestant: Brian.
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BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES…THEY COULD COME IN HANDY
A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard — which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago, Florida’s repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.

INSULT TO INJURY
An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison — for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the man in the… nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealed weapons violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentence for those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a violent career criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away for life. The man’s public defender calls that “ridiculous,” and says the man’s injury is punishment enough.

HEY — WHAT ABOUT MY ACCOMPLICE?
A luckless thief pleaded guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passereby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the store… and called the police.

OOPS! OF THE WEEK
A thief in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina has learned a valuable lesson: if you’re going to steal restaurant equipment, be sure to remove pictures of the original owner’s grandchildren before setting the stuff up in your own restaurant. John Ubbing, owner of Giovanni’s Pizzeria in Calabash, North Carolina, lost an assortment of pizza-making equipment in a March robbery. A refrigerator stolen in the heist later turned up inside the Myrtle Beach restaurant — where cops found pictures of Ubbing’s grandchildren still stuck to the side of it. The owner of the second restaurant was arrested.

I TOLDJA COMPUTERS WERE RUINING AMERICA!
During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn’t figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn’t loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn’t realize they’d been fooling around with a digital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.

I THOUGHT THIS’D BE THE LAST PLACE THEY’D LOOK…!
A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for a job… as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the man’s fugitive status during a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police called the man in to headquarters under the guise of getting his fingerprints, and served him with an arrest warrant instead. AND

FINALLY…
Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive “on paper,” trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus, killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him. He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The new owner won’t be told of Lucky’s record — the trainers say the dog might sense nervousness “and do something silly.”

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size Read more »