No clergyman shall tell a funny story from the pulpit (West Virginia)
In Atlanta, GA, it is illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
Federal law forbids recycling used eyeglasses in the United States.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields. (North Carolina)
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is prohibited (California).
It was proposed in the Rhode Island legislature in the 1970s that there be a $2 tax on every act of sexual intercourse.
It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. (Texas)
1. Constipated People Don’t Give A shit.
2. That is so five minutes ago!!
3. If You Drink Don’t Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
A bloke is driving around in his Porsche in the English countryside. He stops outside a field full of sheep, walks up to the shepherd and says, “I’ve got an offer. I’ll guess how many sheep you’ve got in this field, and if I guess right, I get to take a sheep with me. If I guess wrong, you get my car”.
The shepherd thinks he’s on to a sure thing and agrees.
“137” says the driver.
“Damn me, you’re right,” says the shepherd and dutifully hands over a sheep.
The man walks away, stuffs the sheep in his car and is about to drive away when the shepherd knocks on his window. “I’ve got a proposal for you”. says the shepherd. “If I can guess what you do for a living, I get to take your car. If I’m wrong, you can have all my sheep”.
“Done” says the driver.
“You’re a consultant”, says the shepherd.
“Bloody hell! How did you guess?”
“Easy. You come in here uninvited, you tell me what I already know, and then you charge me for it”.
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver’s door.
“Is there a problem Officer?”
The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?”
The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one”.
“You don’t have one?”
The man responds, “I lost it four times for drink driving”.
The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”
“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”
The policeman says, “Why not?”
“I stole this car”.
The officer says, “Stole it?”
The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner”.
At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what!?”
“She’s in the boot if you want to see”.
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.”
The senior officer says “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”
The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem sir?”
“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”
“Murdered the owner?”
The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?”
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.”
The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”
The man says “Yes,” and hands over the registration papers”.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence”.
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner”.
The man replies, “I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!”
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.
“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am. Could I see your drivers license?”
“What’s a license???” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
“It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. “Now may I see your registration?” asked the cop.
“Registration….. what’s that….?” asked the blonde.
“It’s usually in your glove compartment.” said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
“I’ll be back in a minute.” said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?”
“Yes” replied the officer
“Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher
“Uh… yes” replied the cop.
“Here’s what you do” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants”.
“What!!? I can’t do that. Its… inappropriate” exclaimed the cop.
“Trust me. Just do it” said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs….. “Ohh no… not another breathalyser”.