John was a clerk in a small drug store but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering Bob’s warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
“He wanted something for his cough but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once,” John explained.
“Ex-Lax won’t cure a cough” Bob shouted angrily.
“Sure it will” John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. “Look at him. He’s afraid to cough.”!!
Back in the days of cowboys and Indians, toilet paper had just been invented. An Indian, unaware of the new invention, was amazed when he saw a cowboy using it out in the woods. Instead of scalping the cowboy, he offers to let him live if he tells the Indian where he can get some toilet paper. And the cowboy told the Indian about a trading post in the middle of the forest. The next day, the Indian was looking over the different types of toilet paper and asked the clerk how much the “Soft and Gentle” was.
“That’d be $2.50,” said the clerk.
“Too much,” mumbled the Indian, “how about the ‘Gentle’?”
“That one’s $2,” answered the clerk.
“Still too much,” complained the Indian, “anything cheaper?”
“Welllll,” replied the clerk, “We do have a generic kind.”
“What generic mean?” asked the Indian.
“It means it doesn’t have a name, and it’s only 50 cents.”
“Me take that,” said the Indian.
The next day, the Indian returns to the trading post and tells the clerk, “Me have name for generic toilet paper.”
“Oh,” says the clerk, “what’s the name?”
“Me call it John Wayne… it’s rough, tough and it take no crap from Indian.”
A Mexican walks into a bakery and asks, “Excuse me, may I have a bum, please?” The baker laughs and says, “Oh, you must mean a bun, sure, here you go.”
The Mexican next goes to the hardware store. He asks the clerk, “Excuse me, can I get a fucket here?” The clerk laughs and says, “Oh, you must mean a bucket. Of course!”
The Mexican then goes to a pet shop. He asks the manager, “May i have a Cockandspankit?” The manager laughs and says. “I think i misunderstood you, you must mean a Cockerspaniel.
On his way home, the Mexican loses the leash on his dog. The Mexican frantically runs after it and yells at a woman and asks, “Can you please hold my bum and f*** it, while I go get my cock and spank it?”
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32”, the clerk replies.
“I’m actually 47,” the woman says happily.
A little while later, she goes into McDonald’s, and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, “I’d quess about 29.”
The woman replies, “Nope, I am 47.” Now she is feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, “I’m 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are.”
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman, and she finally said, “What the hell, go ahead.”
The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she says, “Okay, okay, how old am I?”
He removes his hands and says, “You are 47.”
Stunned, the woman says, “That is amazing! How did you know?”
The old man replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”
Just keep in mind this was on live radio….”
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL, they call someone at work and ask if they’re married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions and the significant other’s name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners.”
This particular day it got interesting:
DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know “Mate Match”?”
Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First name only please.