A Shy Patient

Posted in Medical

A very well endowed young lady went to the doctor for her annual check up. The doctor told her to remove her clothes and get up on the examining table.

Shyly, she said to him, “Oh doctor, I just couldn’t undress in front of you”.

“Ok. I’ll turn off the lights for you, you undress, then tell me when you’re ready”, the doctor said.

A few moments later, she called out, “I’ve undressed, doctor. What shall I do with my clothes?”

“Just place them on the chair, on top of mine”.

Wanted Animal Trainer

Posted in Animals

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, a male and a female.

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act. At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

The man’s only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips. The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, “Ladies before Gentleman.” So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air… then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger’s face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, “That’s quite an act. Think you can do better than that?” The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, “No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!”

PMS

Posted in Misc

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if, by some miracle, they actually found the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged across two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE RUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!
IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THIS HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS….

I’m sorry… what did you ask me?

Chair Man of the Board

Posted in Men & Women

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive”s wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

History Lesson

Posted in Education

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said “Give me liberty, or give me Death?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except Martinez, who had his hand up, “Patrick Henry 1775.”

“Very Good”! Who said “Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?”

Again, no response except for Martinez: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.” he said.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do”.

She heard a loud whisper. “Screw the Mexicans” “Who said that?” she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. “Jim Bowie. 1836.”

At that point, a student in the back said. “I’m gonna puke”.

The teacher glares, and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”

Again, Martinez says “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister. 1991”

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this! ”

Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky. 1997!”

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. if you say anything I’ll kill you.”

Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”

The teacher fainted. and as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re in Big trouble!”

Martinez said, “Saddam Hussein 2003”