It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said “Give me liberty, or give me Death?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except Martinez, who had his hand up, “Patrick Henry 1775.”

“Very Good”! Who said “Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?”

Again, no response except for Martinez: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.” he said.

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do”.

She heard a loud whisper. “Screw the Mexicans” “Who said that?” she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. “Jim Bowie. 1836.”

At that point, a student in the back said. “I’m gonna puke”.

The teacher glares, and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”

Again, Martinez says “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister. 1991″

Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this! ”

Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky. 1997!”

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. if you say anything I’ll kill you.”

Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”

The teacher fainted. and as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re in Big trouble!”

Martinez said, “Saddam Hussein 2003″

Education | Email to a friend | 133 views

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really rich.”

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

“And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.”

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

“Your third wish?” asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them. “Ooh – can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks. *** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”

Misc | Email to a friend | 161 views

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors’ houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, “I need a good guard dog.” And the clerk replied, “Sorry, we’re all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate.”

The wife didn’t believe him so he said to the dog, “Karate that chair.”

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, “Karate that table.” The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her huspand that it knew karate, and he said “Karate my ass!”

Animals | Email to a friend | 221 views

This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.

Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can’t make it through twenty minutes without either puking or shitting.

After several hours of this, he is able to stop puking, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes to shit. He doesn’t want to cancel the date, because he’s afraid he won’t ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride).
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Thats Life | Email to a friend | 257 views