A man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the man carefully takes hold of the kid’s testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25-cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father’s thanks. As the man is about to leave, the father asks one last question: “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before -it was fantastic – what are you, a surgeon or something like that?”
“Oh, good heavens, no”, the man replies, “I work for the IRS”.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she said, “but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents.”
“What on earth do you mean???”
“Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!'”.
One day, there was a man sitting on a bus. Since he didn’t know where he was or didn’t have anyone to talk to, he had a Walkman and a set of headphones and was listening to music on the bus. After a few stops, he looked up and noticed a woman get on the bus and look at the driver. When the driver turned to her, she took her right hand and put her thumb on her forehead and waved her fingers to the driver.
The driver then took both of his hands and put the thumb of his right hand on his forehead and the thumb of his left hand was on his right hand and he waved all of his fingers to the woman.
The woman then took her right arm, extended it, and ran her left hand up her arm. The driver, in response, extended his right arm and ran his left hand down his arm.
The lady then proceeded to grab her right breast.
The driver reached down and grabbed his crotch.
The lady turned away from the driver, grabbed her butt and got off the bus. The man was amazed at this. When he got to his stop, he asked the driver about the lady.
What did that lady and you say to each other a couple of stops back? he asked.
The driver replied, “Oh, it’s very simple. All you have to do is pay attention. She asked if the bus fare was five cents. I told her that the fare was 10 cents. She asked if I was going uptown. I told her that I was going down town. She then asked me if I was going by the dairy. I said that I was going by the ballpark.
She replied, “Oh, s***!!!! I’m on the wrong bus!!!”
Back in the days of cowboys and Indians, toilet paper had just been invented. An Indian, unaware of the new invention, was amazed when he saw a cowboy using it out in the woods. Instead of scalping the cowboy, he offers to let him live if he tells the Indian where he can get some toilet paper. And the cowboy told the Indian about a trading post in the middle of the forest. The next day, the Indian was looking over the different types of toilet paper and asked the clerk how much the “Soft and Gentle” was.
“That’d be $2.50,” said the clerk.
“Too much,” mumbled the Indian, “how about the ‘Gentle’?”
“That one’s $2,” answered the clerk.
“Still too much,” complained the Indian, “anything cheaper?”
“Welllll,” replied the clerk, “We do have a generic kind.”
“What generic mean?” asked the Indian.
“It means it doesn’t have a name, and it’s only 50 cents.”
“Me take that,” said the Indian.
The next day, the Indian returns to the trading post and tells the clerk, “Me have name for generic toilet paper.”
“Oh,” says the clerk, “what’s the name?”
“Me call it John Wayne… it’s rough, tough and it take no crap from Indian.”
Little Bobby (seven) was in love with Little Susie (same age) who lived next door.
One day, Bobby went to Susie’s dad and announced (as seriously as he could), “I’m in love with Susie, and we’re getting married”.
Amused, Susie’s dad started asking questions (in the hopes to discourage the idea).
Susie’ dad: “Where will you live?”
Bobby: “Well, Susie has a playhouse in the back yard, so we’re gonna live there.”
Susie’s dad: “How are you going to make money to support her?”
Bobby: “Well, Susie gets 75 cents a week, and I get $1.25 a week.”
Seeing that Bobby was still serious, Susie’s dad asked, “Well, what about children?”
Bobby perked up and quickly answered, “Oh, we have that figured out already. Whenever Susie lays an egg, I’m gonna stomp on it!”