Young Ensign

Posted in Military

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensign’s efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way.

The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, “My personal congratulations upon completing your under way preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules — make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way”.

Magician

Posted in Animals

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

“Look, it’s not the same hat”.

“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table”.

“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. Where’s the boat?”.

Dangerous Light

Posted in Misc

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course ten degrees east”.
The light signals back: “Change yours, ten degrees west”.
Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!”
“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir”.
Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”
There’s one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call”.

Engine Trouble

Posted in Lawyer

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

Overslept

Posted in Misc

Every morning a man drives to the dock, and every morning the man takes the ferry to work. One morning, he wakes up, and has no electricity. He has no idea what time it is, but assumes he’s late since he has a tendency to sleep late anyway. So he slams down some breakfast, hauls ass to the dock, sees the ferry ten feet from the dock, and takes a running leap. He barely makes it, skidding across the deck of the boat, and hurting himself quite badly.

You know, said the captain, “in another minute we would have docked.”