A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair – giving that you are blind – that you should know five things:”

1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a proffesional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a proffesional wretler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times”.

A man who was very depressed met his friend Jerry J., who was a very sharp thinker.
“What’s the matter’” Jerry J. asked.
“I’m despondent. I can’t adjust to the fact that I’ve got three balls.”
“Three balls’” said sharp Jerry. “Kid, we can make a fortune together!”
“How?” asked the other fellow, brightening up.
“We’ll go to the bar after bar and bet everybody around that between you and the bartender you’ve got five balls! It can’t miss!”
“Let’s go,” said the man.
So they went into the first bar, and Jerry J. made friends with the strangers at the bar. Then he made the announcement: “I’ll bet anybody in the place that between my friend here and the bartender they’ve got five balls.”
Nearly everyone rushed forward to cover the bet.
Jerry looked at the bartender who was shaking his head.
“You don’t mind being part of the wager, do you?” Jerry asked.
“Not at all,” the bartender said. “I’m very impressed.
“How do you mean?” Jerry asked.
“Well, up to now I’ve never met a man with four balls. I’ve only got one.”

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, “I’ll just have the eggs Benedict.” His order comes a while later and it’s served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, “What’s with the hubcap?” The waiter sings, “Oh, there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” No, I’m sorry, replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writer’s cramp.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins – if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal!”

A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback.
On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar.
“For fuck’s sake!” the bloke cried, “what the hell’s going on here? I’ve been here one hour and I’ve seen a bloke shagging a sheep, and now some bloke’s wanking himself off in the bar!”
“Fair dinkum, mate,” the bartender told him, “You can’t expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep”