A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no”, the man replied.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him” she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair”.
“I’m afraid I can’t”, breathes the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message”, she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“What should I tell him?” the bartender manages to say.
“Tell him,” she whispers “there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the women’s bathroom….”
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. “Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.
“At this fantastic new bar,” he says. “The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works – hell, even the urinal’s gold!”
The wife still doesn’t believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.
“Is this the Golden Saloon?” she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
“Yes it is”, bartender answers.
“Do you have huge golden doors?”
“Sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?”
“Most certainly do”.
“What about golden urinals?”
There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, “Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!”
A snail walks into a bar and the bartender kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman “What did you do that for?”
A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city’s problems.
Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, “Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!”
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, “I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed…”
“Look there you go again,” said the man, “How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?”
“Of course not!” gasped the nun, “The evil alcohol has never touched my lips”.
“Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?”
“Well, I really don’t know …”
“I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I’ll buy you a drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that “evil” is not inside the glass, it’s inside the person”.
“Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it’s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me”.
“Well let’s go inside and settle this”
“No my son, I could never enter such a place… but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this “scotch” you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it”.
“You’re on!” said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, “Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please”
The bartender sighed and said, “Is that darn nun out there again!”
All right! I’m going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria’s Secret catalogue.
Hey, I don’t need no advice from a pinball machine. I’ll have you know, I wrote the book on love.
They think they’re so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.
People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn’t for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.
Moe: Say, Barn. Uh, remember when I said I’d have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
Barney: Oh ho, oh yeah. We all had a good laugh, Moe.
Moe: The results came back today.
Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch ’em in the face, and for what?
Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.