A Denton, Texas man was arrested for filing a false police report after he called 911 to report… his own murder. The man told the operator he had been “murdered, beaten, possibly kidnapped and thrown down on a bed of spikes.” Police found the man a short time later, still on the convenience store pay-phone he had used to make the call. “It was obvious he hadn’t been murdered,” said one of the arresting officers.

NO… WE’RE JUST GLAD TO SEE YOU

Two wildlife collectors were caught at a Texas border crossing when Customs agents found snakes in their underwear. The men had tied the snakes into pantyhose and stuffed them into their groin area to sneak them across the border from Mexico. Customs inspectors noticed the bulges were wiggling and ordered the pair to drop their pants. The inspectors found 14 snakes — including a boa constrictor — hidden in the men’s pants, boots and pickup truck. The inspectors say they suspected at first that the men were smuggling narcotics… but in the words of one investigator, “drugs don’t move around like that.”

SAFETY FIRST
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A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, “It’s a lot of money!” The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, where did you get this money?” The old lady replied, “I make bets.” The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?” The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.” “Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!” The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?” “Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!” The old lady said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!” The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.” Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, “What wrong with your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I’d have the Bank president’s balls in my hand!”

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Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

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You told Prudence once she was sublime
Now she’s cast off; abandoned, sub-prime
But your new-best-friend Peter
Who today seems much sweeter
Could yet call the end of your time.

And your old-best-friend, curmudgeon, Ed
His surname, well, best left unsaid
Is too showing signs
In depression’ry times
Of letting you lie on your bed.

So sad that you tried to play tricks on
Sweet Pru : she was hardly a vixen
You now, as you flounder;
A cad, sir, a bounder
Remind me of President Nixon
*

Things have come to a pretty pass
Our romance is growing flat
For you like to borrow
While I like tomorrow
Goodness knows what the end will be
Oh I don’t know where I’m at
I’m going to lose my flat
Something must be done:

You say banker and I say bankster,
You say fiscal and I say frugal
Quantitative easing, I’m feeling queasy, Let’s call the whole thing off….
*

Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Gordon Brown
Oh my darling, oh my darling, you have left me with a frown
My job is outsourced, my home is plundered and my savings have gone west
My country’s broken, my heart is aching, time to call the IMF

You said you’d fix it, oh my darling, oh my darling Gordon Brown
You said you’d fix it with the banksters, but they’ve made you look a clown
You say it’s global, this fiscal snowball, I am freezing Gordon Brown
If you could thaw me, please don’t ignore me, oh my darling Gordon Brown

It’s time to end it, not time to mend it, oh my darling Gordon Brown
We must part now, no new start now, oh my darling Gordon Brown
I’d like to say that, it was fun but, I’d be lying just the same
Just like you do, every time you, move your lips and start to say . . .

Oh my darling, oh my darling, oh my darling Gordorn Brown . . .
*

Labour is red
Tories are blue
Smile at me Gordon
I’ve an eye for you
*

Everyone’s talking about the House of Lords,
to my dismay…parodied ‘House of Gord’s’.
I’m a figure of hate
for elevating many a mate…
even those with whom I clashed swords.
*

Keep it up darling, keep it up
*

What would I say ? I would say ” I want a divorce”
*

To Gordon,
You have my heart…
and my bank…
and my mortgage…
and my job
*

Dear Gordon,

Would you like to be my Chancellor when I am President of Europe?
Love,
Tony

P.S. Shall we get the seat warm now?

Source http://timesonline.typepad.com/comment/2009/02/limericks-of-lo.html

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