The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair’s a women really).

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man

Between the ages of 15 – 90 a man is like Zimbabwe – ruled by a dick.

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BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES…THEY COULD COME IN HANDY
A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard — which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago, Florida’s repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.

INSULT TO INJURY
An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison — for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the man in the… nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man was charged with a concealed weapons violation and possession of a firearm by a convicted felon. The maximum sentence for those crimes is normally 15 years but, because the man has a record as a violent career criminal, a Miami prosecutor is asking the judge to send him away for life. The man’s public defender calls that “ridiculous,” and says the man’s injury is punishment enough.

HEY — WHAT ABOUT MY ACCOMPLICE?
A luckless thief pleaded guilty to the attempted robbery of a convenience store in Detroit Lakes, Minnesota. The thief told a passereby he was going to rob the store, gave the man a dollar, and asked him to go inside and buy a scarf to hide his identity during the crime. The bystander took the dollar, went inside the store… and called the police.

OOPS! OF THE WEEK
A thief in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina has learned a valuable lesson: if you’re going to steal restaurant equipment, be sure to remove pictures of the original owner’s grandchildren before setting the stuff up in your own restaurant. John Ubbing, owner of Giovanni’s Pizzeria in Calabash, North Carolina, lost an assortment of pizza-making equipment in a March robbery. A refrigerator stolen in the heist later turned up inside the Myrtle Beach restaurant — where cops found pictures of Ubbing’s grandchildren still stuck to the side of it. The owner of the second restaurant was arrested.

I TOLDJA COMPUTERS WERE RUINING AMERICA!
During a high school break-in in Plymouth, North Carolina, two burglars found a camera in one of the classrooms and amused themselves by taking pictures of each other committing the crime. When they couldn’t figure out how to get the film out of the camera, they concluded it wasn’t loaded and left it behind. The men apparently didn’t realize they’d been fooling around with a digital camera that stores pictures on a computer disk. Investigators downloaded the snapshots to a computer and got a complete photographic record of the break-in. The suspects were quickly arrested.

I THOUGHT THIS’D BE THE LAST PLACE THEY’D LOOK…!
A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for a job… as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the man’s fugitive status during a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police called the man in to headquarters under the guise of getting his fingerprints, and served him with an arrest warrant instead. AND

FINALLY…
Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive “on paper,” trainers announced that Lucky, a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal, Germany, is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a bus, killing him. Then he led the second off the end of a pier, drowning him. He nudged his third owner off a railway platform in front of an express train, killing him. And he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The new owner won’t be told of Lucky’s record — the trainers say the dog might sense nervousness “and do something silly.”

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After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates.

There, he was greeted by George Washington.

How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive! yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry came up from behind. “You wanted to end America’s liberty, so they gave you death!” Henry punched Osama in the nose.

James Madison came next, and said, “This is why I allowed the government provide for the common defense!” He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama’s knees.

Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty and America. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.

As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, “This is not what I was promised!”

An angel replied, “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?”

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President George W Bush

ON HIMSELF

“They misunderestimated me.”
Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 November, 2000

“I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe – I believe what I believe is right.” Rome, 22 July, 2001

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee – that says, fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.”
Nashville, Tennessee, 17 September, 2002

“There’s no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead.”
Washington DC, 11 May, 2001

“I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me.”
Nashville, Tennessee, 27 May, 2004

FOREIGN AFFAIRS

“For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times.”
Tokyo, 18 February, 2002
(more…)

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Two nuns from France were coming to New York.
While awaiting their landing, one nun looks at the other and says, “Over here in America, they have strange customs.”
Really? Like what? says the other.
Over here, they eat dogs.
Astounded, the other gasps, “DOGS! No way! Really?”
Yeah, they sure do.
Well, I guess we’ll have to just get us some so that we can try to fit in.
After they landed, they went to Central Park to a hot dog stand and ordered.
Two dogs, please! the nuns said.
Afterwards, they went to a park bench to eat their dogs.
When one nun unwrapped hers, she blushed.
She turned to the other nun and reluctantly asked, “Er, um…which part did you get?”

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