10 Commandments

Posted in Religion

Well, When Moses was on earth back then he was given the Ten Commandments but he was not told actually what he should do with them.
He took them to England and confronted a Pom and asked, “Would you like a Commandment?”
The Pom replied, “What’s a Commandment?”
Moses took a tablet and read, “Thou Shalt Not Steal!”
The Pom replied, “Piss off, we don’t want any of that here!”
Moses went to America and confronted a Yank with the same question, “Would you like a Commandment?”
The Yank replied, “What’s a Commandment?”
Moses took a tablet and read, “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery!”
The Yank replied, “Bug off, we don’t want any of that here!”
And so Moses went on his way around the world always getting the same response until he arrived in Jerusalem.
Moses confronted a Jew with the same question, “Would you like a Commandment?”
The Jew replied, “How Much Are They?”
Moses replied, “Well….they’re free!”
The Jew replied, “THEN I’LL TAKE TEN!”

Bumper Stickers In America

Posted in Misc

1. Constipated People Don’t Give A shit.

2. That is so five minutes ago!!

3. If You Drink Don’t Park, Accidents Cause People.

4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

5. If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.

10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
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Cigar Insurance

Posted in Lawyer

This is the best lawyer story of the year, decade and probably the century.

A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars,then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.”

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued….and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire,” and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the “fires.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART… After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.

This is a true story and was the 1st place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.

ONLY IN AMERICA

Iraqis On Star Trek

Posted in News & Politics

The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN was walking down the hallway and bumped into President Bush.Hoping to break the ice with an innocuous comment, the ambassador quickly said, “Respectfully, sir. I have a question about what I’ve seen in America”.

Politely, President Bush answered, “If I can help explain things to you, please let me know.”

The Iraqi whispered. “My little girl watches this show called ‘Star Trek’ and in this show, there’s Chekov who is a Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Sulu who is Chinese but there aren’t any Iraqis. Why aren’t there any Iraqis on Star Trek?”.

President Bush whispered back to the ambassador, “It’s because Star Trek takes place in the future.”

Iceland volcano jokes

Posted in News & Politics

I see that America has declared war on Iceland. Apparently they are accusing them of harbouring a “weapon of ash eruption”.

It was the last wish of the Icelandic economy that its ashes be spread over Europe.

Iceland goes bankrupt, then it manages to set itself on fire. This has insurance scam written all over it.

Iceland, we wanted your cash, not your ash.

Waiter, there’s volcanic ash in my soup.
I know, it’s a no-fly zone.

Richard Curtis is working on a new rom-com about people stuck in an airport who fall in love. The working title is “Lava Actually”.

I came out my house yesterday and was hit on the head by a bag of frozen sausages, a chocolate gateau and some fish fingers. I realised it must be the fallout from Iceland.

Volcano in Iceland. What next Earthquake in Asda?

Woke this morning to find every surface in the house covered in a layer of dust and a foul stench of sulphur in the air. No change, I’ve been married to that bone-idle slob for 20 years.