An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says, “You’re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?”
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says, “One thousand, eight hundred and thirty two.”
The farmer is amazed. “Exactly right”, he says. “How did you work that out so fast?”
Easy,” says the accountant “I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.”

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”
The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, then the woman excitedly states, “I’m a chicken farmer!”
The accountant is puzzled, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”

Four professionals – an engineer, a chemist, an accountant and an IT contractor – were all boasting about how clever their dogs were.

The engineer said that his dog could do something pretty impressive, so the others asked him to show them. “Setsquare, come here” shouted the engineer, “do your stuff.” The dog walked over, picked up a ruler and a pencil and drew a perfect square on a piece of paper that was on the floor. The others agreed that this was pretty impressive.

The chemist also said that his dog was very intelligent, and offered to show the others. “Prescription, come here, do your stuff”. Prescription ran over and went to the fridge, where he took out a bottle of milk. Then he took a 10ml glass and poured the milk into the glass, right up to the top of the rim, without spilling any. Again everyone thought this was pretty cool.

Then the accountant called his dog over. “Spreadsheet, get to work”. Spreadsheet ran into the kitchen and brought out a box of twelve biscuits. He then opened the box and divided the biscuits into four equal piles of three each. The four professionals were suitably impressed.

They turned to the IT contractor and said “What can your dog do?” The IT contractor called his dog over. “Chargeable, come over here, get to work.” Chargeable ambled over, drank the milk, ate the cookies, dumped on the paper, shagged the three other dogs, presented a bill for seven thousand pounds, lit a cigar, got into his Lotus and screeched off into the sunset.

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, “T-Square, do your stuff.”

T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Slide Rule, do your stuff.”

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.”

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, “What can your dog do?”

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker’s Compensation and went home on sick leave.