A man goes to a doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?”
“Oh, that’s not a problem any more!” announces the proud physician. “They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills and your problems are history.” So, the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.
“Doctor, Doctor!” exclaims the man excitedly, “I’ve got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It’s wonderful!”
“Well, I’m glad to hear that,” says the pleased physician. “What does your wife think about it?”
“Wife?” asks the man. “I haven’t been home yet.”

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied: When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, take this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say Eat me .
12. The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.