Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
– Mark Twain

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals.
– Ronnie Corbett

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. –Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. — His reply

Lady Astor: “Mr. Churchill, you’re drunk!” Winston Churchill:
“Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober.”

“Give a man a mask and he’ll tell you the truth.”
– Oscar Wilde

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
– Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

“In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. ”
– Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.”
– Jonathan Swift

Life is too short for grief. Or regret. Or bullshit.
– Edward Abbey

I broke a mirror.
I’m supposed to get 7 years bad luck. My lawyer says he can get me 5.
– Steven Wright

I can resist everything except temptation.
– Oscar Wilde