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Lawyer’s Contribution

Posted in Lawyer

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn’t made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, “Why not call him up?”

He calls up the lawyer.

“Sir, according to our research you haven’t made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?”

The lawyer responds, “A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?”

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, “Well, no sir, I’m…”

“Does your research show that my sister’s husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!”

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. “I’m terribly sorry…”

“Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?”

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. “I am sorry sir, please forgive me…”

“The gall of you people! I don’t give them anything, so why should I give it to you!”

No Longer Privates

Posted in Military

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Leroy says, “Hey Jasper, there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in.”

“But we’s privates,” protests Jasper.

“We’s sergeants now, “says Leroy, pulling him inside.

“Now, Jasper, I’m a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.”

“But we’s privates,” says Jasper. “Are you blind, boy?” asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. “We’s sergeants now.”

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to date you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.” So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. “Jasper,” he says, “why did you give me the okay sign?”

“Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects only the privates.” He points to his stripes. “But we’s sergeants now!”

Texan

Posted in Misc

A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver “What’s that building there?”
“That’s the Royal York Hotel” replied the cabbie.
“The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?” asked the Texan.
“About 12 years” replied the cabbie.
“12 years? We build ‘em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months.”
A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. “What’s that building over there?” asked the Texan.
“That’s the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre” replied the cabbie. “Convention Centre? How long’d it take to build that?” asked the Texan.
“About three years” replied the cabbie.
“Three years? We build ‘em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks.” Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower.
“What’s that building there?” asks the Texan, pointing at the tower.
“Danged if I know” replied the cabbie, “It wasn’t here when I drove by yesterday.”