Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.

He says “Jack, let me tell you something. On our wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here – try these on.”

So, she did and said, “these are too big. I can’t wear them.”

So I replied, “exactly. I wear the pants in this family and always will. Ever since that night we’ve never had any problems”.

‘Hmmm,” says Jack. He thinks over his father’s advice for several days.

Then, on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, “Here, try these on.”

So she does and says, “These are too large, Jack. They don’t fit me.”

Jack says, “Exactly right. I wear the pants in this family, and I always will, and I don’t want you to ever forget that.”

After that comment, Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says “Here you go try on mine.”

So he does and says, “I can’t get into your pants.”

Jill says, “Exactly. And if you don’t change your f****** attitude, you never will.”

Men & Women | Email to a friend | 357 views

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and a certain Train Operating Company …

Gentlemen,

I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,

A Commuter

Dear Sir

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,

Larnrod Eireann

Gentlemen,

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.

That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years.

Yours truly,

A Commuter

Thats Life | Email to a friend | 279 views

I ain’t no Fred Flintstone, but I could sure make your bed rock!

Barroom, Quickies | Email to a friend | 417 views

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Quickies | Email to a friend | 347 views

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, “Dat’s dem”. The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere,” says Gerry, “Put dem in a peeper bag.” The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. “Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?” says Gerry. “Oh, yeh, dis looks good,” replies Paddy. They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. “I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, place them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a ‘SPLAT’. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, “Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin’ is too fockin’ dangerous for me”
~~~~0~~~~0~~~~~

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar ‘peeper bag’. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

“Hi, Paddy. Watch this,” Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot’s head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom.

Paddy shakes his head and says, “An’ oim never troyin’ dat parrotshooting nider”
~~~~0~~~~0~~~~~

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar ‘peeper bag’. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head – “Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin’ hen gliding.”

Irish, Sports | Email to a friend | 482 views