I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always!

Quickies | Email to a friend | 10 views

Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line. When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him a broom

“This is a magic broom — point it at anybody, say ‘Bangity bangity bang,’ and they will die.” Bob was really worried because he didn’t think it would work, but he got in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bob’s turn came and they had ran out.

“Don’t worry.” said the man issuing them out. “I will give you this magic carrot — point it at somebody, say ‘Stabbity stabbity stab,’ and they will die.”

Now Bob is terrified, going into battle with a broom and carrot, when the sirens go off, signaling invasion. Bob goes out, only to be laughed at by the enemy. One enemy even comes up to him, hoping to get a good shot at him. Well, Bob didn’t have anything to lose so he pointed at him and said “Bangity bangity bang!” and the guy fell down dead. He did the same thing with the magic carrot. Amazed at what was happening, he continued to fight. Then, a guy came slowly up to him and he would not die. Bob tried to shoot and stab him, but he wouldn’t die. The last words poor Bob heard as he was being trampled over were “Tankity tankity tank.”

Military | Email to a friend | 20 views

A man walked in to his local butcher to find his regular butcher, John absent so he asks the manager, “Where’s John?” The manager tells the man that John was fired because he was found sticking his dick in the meat slicer”. Then the man asked, “Where is the meat slicer now?” The butcher then replied, “I fired her too.”

Food & Restaurant | Email to a friend | 17 views

A man walked into a grocery store to get some dog food for his dog. He couldn’t find the aisle with the pet food so he goes to ask the cashier, “Can I get some dog food?” The cashier asked, “Do you have any proof that you have a dog? I can’t sell dog food to people that do not have dogs.” The man was a little confused but showed him a picture of his dog anyway. The man sold him the food and told him to have a nice day.

The next week the man came back for some cat food. Once again he could not find the pet food and had to ask the cashier. Once again the cashier would not sell him the food if he didn’t have proof of an animal. He showed the picture of his cat, bought the food and went along his way.

The next week the man once again went to the grocery store, but this time with a small box. The box had a small hole in it. He proceeded to the cashier. “Put your fingers in this hole please,” asked the man. “Why should I,” the cashier replied. The man insisted, so the cashier complied. He pulled his finger out.
“It looks and smells like shit!” exclaimed the cashier.
“Very good,” said the man, “Now I would like a package of toilet paper please.”

Misc | Email to a friend | 18 views

Looking back on my career, I swear that I’m jinxed. Every institution, every business I’ve worked for has folded. The school I went to burned down shortly after I left- the first company I worked for collapsed and went bankrupt- the University I studied at was charged with massive corruption and gross professional misconduct- the school I taught at was shut down. I ran my own business- an old, historical pub which closed down and was demolished shortly after. I might have a subconscious instinct to “board a sinking ship.” Anyway, enough of that, My name is Gordon Brown, Labour party – I hope that I can count on your vote in the next election.

News & Politics | Email to a friend | 19 views