A duck walks into a bar and says ” Got any bread?”
And the barman says “No”
And the duck says “Got any bread?”
And the barman, “No!”.
“Got any bread?”
“I said, N-O NO!”
“Got any bread?”
“For cryin’ out loud - N-O spells NO and I mean NO! !”
“Got any bread?”
“NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!”
“Got any bread?”
“Look, if you ask me one more f****** time if I’ve got any
bread, I’m going to nail your fucking beak to the f****** bar!!
WE HAVE NO F****** BREAD!!!”

“Got any nails?”

“No!”

“Got any bread?”

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, “When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that.”

The student looked up at her and surveyed her face and replied, “Well you can’t say you weren’t warned.”

There were five blondes and one brunette holding onto a rope off the edge of a cliff.
But their rope could only bear the weight of of five people.
The brunette said, “Save yourselves. I’ll let go.”
Impressed by her sacrifice, all of the blondes clapped…

What do you call someone in the Parliament who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?
A tourist.

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn’t gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn’t fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, “…and you’re not going to believe this, but there’s guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass.”

“Christmas is almost on us,” said the teacher, and tomorrow I want all of you boys and girls to bring something to illustrate what Christmas is all about.
Next day, each pupil had brought something along. Little Sally was first. “I’ve brought a toy reindeer,” she said, “because Santa’s sleigh is pulled by reindeer.”
Then came George, who had brought a piece of the deodar tree from his garden.”This is what Christmas trees are made of,” he explained. Little Bruce had brought some wrapping paper, and Marcie brought a picture of a turkey. All of which the teacher praised, but expressed the wish that someone had used a bit more initiative, and also concentrated more on the spiritual aspects of Christmas.
Inevitably, Little Johnny at the back of the class had had his hand up all the while, snapping his fingers, and hissing “Miss, Miss.” And as a last desperate resort she calls on him.
“Okay, Little Johnny,” says teacher. “What have you brought.”
Proudly, Little Johnny produces a set of ladies panties, which he twirls around his finger, high above his head, for all of the class to see.
“What are THOSE?” demands Teacher, as if she didn’t know.
“They’re girls’ panties, Miss.”
“I can see that, Johnny. But what have they got to do with Christmas?”
“They’re Carol’s.”