Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. He’d become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he’d wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting “I can’t believe it!” and “It’s a miracle!” and “He’s alive!”. There were cameras (unlike any he’d ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn’t contain his enthusiasm. “Is it over?” he asked. “Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions, and crises all over and done with?”

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack’s cryogenic receptacle, it hadn’t been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet.

“That sounds terrific,” said Jack. “But I’m curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?”

“Well,” said the spokesman. “The year 10000 is just around the corner and it says in your files that you know COBOL”.

The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: “I bet you’re going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen’s Ball.”
He replied “No, highway patrolmen don’t have balls.”
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

One day, a boy was at home wandering the house.
He goes to his sister, who’s on the phone saying ‘Bitches and Bastards!’
‘What does that mean?’ he says.
‘People.’
So he goes to his brother, whos putting up coats. All of a sudden, all the coats fall to the floor.
‘Assholes!’
‘What does that mean?’
‘Coats’
So he goes to the bathroom and finds his dad there, putting shaving cream on. He drops a bit on the floor.
‘Shit!’
‘what does that mean?’
‘Shaving cream.’
Then he goes to his mother who is watching a turkey cook. She takes it out and it’s burnt.
‘F******…’
‘what does that mean?’
‘Cooking.’
The doorbell rings and he opens it. They were a group of people that were coming over for dinner. So he says:
‘Hello bitches and bastards. May I take your assholes?’
‘Where’s your mother and father?’ one asks.
‘My dad’s in the bathroom putting shit on his face and my mom’s in the kitchen f****** a turkey.’