A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”

The gentleman responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

Little Johnny has to write a story about someone in his family that does something amazing. The next day, he returns and tells the class that his father eats lightbulbs.

How do you know that? asks his teacher.

I heard him say it. He and Mom were in the bedroom and he said ‘I’ll only eat that thing if you turn out the light.’

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: “They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions.”

An ‘American’ tourist couple, both sociologists, were walking the streets of a small town in Saudi Arabia. It was nearing the middle of the day and they didn’t want to miss lunch at their ramshackle hotel-the only one in town and which always served meals promptly.

They came upon an old herder perched on a stool beside his camel. “Excuse me, sir,” the man asked, “but could you tell me the time?”

The old man glanced at them, spat in the dirt, then turned and reached under his camel….and hefted the animal’s testicles. After a moment, he released them. “It is 10 minutes before noon,” he replied. The couple exchanged confused looks, thanked the man and hurried back to their hotel, arriving just in time for the meal.

Later that day, the wandering couple found themselves again on the same street and spied the old herder perched beside his camel, apparently unmoved. Curious as to how he could tell time by fondling his animal’s balls—an old Muslim craft?– they approached him and asked again, “Sir, can you tell us the time?” They watched closely as he again reached up and grabbed the camel’s jewels, seemingly judging their weight, then pronounced, “It is half-past four.”

The couple excitedly exchanged looks. The woman blurted, “Oh, sir! That is an amazing ability you have! Could you show us how you do it?!? “Surely,” the herder responded tiredly, and motioned them to squat beside him. “Now, grasp his balls gently and lift them up to his belly.

” The woman did so while her companion watched. “What now?”, she inquired.

“Now,” said the old man, “look over there-can you now see the clock in the far tower? When the big hand is on the…….”

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, “Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests.”

Two days before Christmas, Johnny’s father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, “What did Santa bring you this year?”
Johnny replied, “I think I got a dog but I can’t find the son-of-a-bitch!”

If “CON” is the opposite of “PRO”, what is the oposite of PROGRESS?