Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. “T-Square, do your stuff.” T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, “Slide Rule, do your stuff.” Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff!” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

A bloke walks into a public toilet where he finds two cubicles. One of them is occupied and the other one is empty. He enters the empty closes the cubicle, drops his pant and sits down.
A voice then comes from the cubicle and says, “Morning mate, how are you going?”
Thinking this a bit strange but not wanting to be rude the guy replies
“Fine thanks.” After a short pause, the voice says, “So, what are you up to mate?”
Again unsure he answers reluctantly,
“Ahh, Er I’m just having a quick crap and yourself?”
He then hears the voice for the third time,
“Look sorry mate, I’ll have to call you back, I’ve got some dickhead sat next to me that keeps answering all my questions.”

Bill and Joe go into a hotel. The hotel has 100 floors. The hotel manager tells them that there is only one room left and it’s on the 100th floor. The guys take the room. The elevators are busted. So they take the stairs. At the 10th floor, Bill tells Joe he has something to tell him . “Tell me upstairs,” says Joe.
When they reach the 100th floor, Joe finally asks what Bill wanted. “We forgot the keys downstairs.”