Bigamy
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?

The Facts of Life

A man walking his son in the park one day came upon two dogs humpin’ The son turns to his dad and asks, “Dad what are those dogs doing?” The dad says, “Son I’m about to teach you a very important thing about life, what them dogs are doing is…” The father can’t do it. He thinks of all the questions his son will have. He tries again, “Son them two dogs are..” He stops again and decides to wait until the boy is older.

“Son, you see that dog on top, well his two front paws are hurt and that dog on the bottom is helping him home.” The son turns to his father and says, “You’re right dad, that is a very important thing in life to learn.” The dad asks, “Do you know why that is, son?”

The son replies, “Because every time you try to help someone out you always get screwed.”

Talking Italian

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

”Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.”

”You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. ”In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public.”

”Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. ”Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”

Hide the Duke

A boy was meeting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy’s chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

Duke! the dad yelled.

This is great! the boy thought. “He thinks the dog is farting!” So he let out another one.

Duke! the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!

Bear on a Rampage

Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

His partner says, “What are you doing? You can’t outrun a bear!”

His friend replies, “I don’t have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!”

Hitchiker

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was cold and wet and no cars went by.

The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door, and only then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car starts going again, very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray and begs for his life. Just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and turns the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared each time the car approached a curve. Gathering his strength, he gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town.

Wet and in shock, he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila and starts telling verybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everyone when they realized the guy was crying hysterically and wasn’t drunk.

About a half hour later, two other guys walk into the same cantina and one said to the other, “Mira, Pedro. That’s the Pendejo that got in the car while we were pushing it!”

Stupid People

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked “intellectual leadership”. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence…. …

With a Little Help from Our Friends! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up….

And What Was Plan B? An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts….

…And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!! A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received Read more

Texas Prayer

Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.

Bless the walls where termites dine,
While ants and roaches march in time.

Bless our yard where spiders pass and
Fire ant castles built in the grass.

Bless the garage, a home to please
carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.

Bless the love bugs, two by two,
the gnats & mosquitoes that feed on you.

Millions of creatures that fly or crawl, in
Texas, Lord, you’ve put them all!

But this is home, and here we’ll stay,
so thank you Lord, for insect spray!

Potato

Not long ago I met the waitress of my dreams.

About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, “Ma’am, this potato is bad.”

She nodded, picked up the potato and smacked it. Then she put it back on my plate and said, “Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know.”