Long time
A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time" The man replied "I know I've been ill"

Dr. Feelgood

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”

He continued, “Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.”

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.

The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. “I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.”

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us. “Ok, go to the store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios…”

First Time

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!” The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.” The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!”

Prime Minister’s Wife

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador’s wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: “”Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?”

A penis, replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer… and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, “Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, ‘appiness!’”

Mama mia, what’s a honeymoon?

Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon. However, they have no idea what they’re supposed to do once they get to their hotel room. The newlyweds decide to call the groom’s mother and get some advice on what to do. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there.

The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens. The groom calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed and nature should takes its course.

The bride and groom take his mother’s advice but still nothing. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation she says, “Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!” and hangs up on him. A few minutes later, he reluctantly calls his mother back, “Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?”

Bedside Confession

Ted and Julie go to bed with one another for the first time.
Julie: I think I should warn you Ted, I’ve got acute angina
Ted: You’re breasts aren’t bad either.

Sexual Confessional

A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.

”Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”

”Tell all of your sins, my daughter.”

”Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times,” she says.

The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, ”Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.”

”Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?”

”No,” the priest says, ”but it’ll wipe that smile off your face!”

Men and Women FAQ

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e.relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established
below.

Q: How do I know if I’m ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He’ll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they’re not as emotionally confused as women. It’s a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
Read more

Psychology Class

A college psychology class was studing human reaction to sexual stimulus and of special interest
was the frequency of amorous relations.

“How many students here,” said the professor, “engage more than once a week?” Five people
raised their hands.

“And how many engage once a week?” Ten hands went up.

“How many twice a month?” Eight hands went up.

“Once a month?” Four hands were raised.

“And how may once a year?” A little guy in the back waved his hand frantically and giggled hysterically.

“If you engage only once a year,” said the professor, “I don’t see what you’re so overjoyed about.” Flush with excitement, the little guy said, “Yeah, but tonight’s the night!”