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Christmas Jokes

Posted in Seasonal

How long does it take to burn a candle down?
About a wick!

Can I have a broken drum for Christmas?
The best thing you could have asked for. You can’t beat it!

Why does Father Christmas go down chimneys?
Because they soot him!

I wouldn’t say Christmas gnomes are small.
But they used to be lumberjacks on a mushroom farm!

What do you give a train driver for Christmas?
Platform shoes!

What do monkeys sing at Christmas?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells..!

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.

Doctor, Doctor I’m scared of Father Christmas.
Doctor: You’re suffering from Claus-trophobia.

Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a Christmas bell!
Just take these pills – and, if they don’t work, give me a ring!

Gotta Go

Posted in Seasonal

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe. She says “Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you’d like to come into my bedroom”.

Santa responds “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know”.

The lovely young thing peels off her robe, revealing a skimpy negligee. Santa looks up from his sack of gifts, and she says “I’ve got something special for you Santa. Can’t you stay for just a little while? I know you want me. Let me make this Christmas eve unforgettable”.

Santa responds “Ho! Ho! Ho! Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you know”.

Not to be denied, she strips off the negligee, revealing her naughty bits, and they were quite nice naughty bits, I might add. And she says “Santa, this is your last chance. This body is your gift”.

Santa responds “Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta stay. Gotta Stay. Can’t get up the chimney with my dick this way!”

12 Days of Christmas

Posted in Seasonal

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delighted gift! I couldn’t have been more surprised. With deepest love and affection, Aberdine

Dearest John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine- two Turtle Doves! I’m delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. You big silly, what next? All my love, Aberdine

Dearest John, Aren’t you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity – 3 French Hens! They are just darling, but I must insist, you have been too kind. Love, Aberdine

Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 Calling Birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic. Affectionately, Aberdine

Dear John, What a surprise! Today the postman delivered 5 Golden Rings; 1 for every finger! You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All My love, Aberdine

Dear John, When I opened the door there were actually 6 Geese a-laying on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, eh? Those geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are starting to complain, and I can’t sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Aberdine

John, What’s with you and those F—ing birds? 7 Swans a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never shut up. I can’t get to sleep at night, and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny! Stop with those F—ing birds already. Sincerely, Aberdine

Okay buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I to do with 8 maids-a-Milking? It’s not enough, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There’s manure all over the lawn, and I can’t move in my own house. What are you doing to me? Just lay off, smart-ass! Aberdeen

Hey shithead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there’s 9 pipers piping, and Christ do they play. They haven’t stopped chasing those 8 maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I to do? The neighbors have started a petition to have me evicted. You’ll get yours… Aberdine

You rotten prick! Now there are 10 ladies dancing. I don’t why I call those sluts ladies. They’ve been at it all night, along with those frigging pipers! Now the cows can’t sleep, and they’ve got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I am going to ask to ask the police to intervene. One who means it. Venomously, Aberdine

Listen F—head: What’s with the 11 lords a-leaping all over those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! Those pipers have run through the maids and are committing bestiality with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead! They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied you rotten, vicious, swine. Your sworn enemy, Aberdine

Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Aberdine. The destruction of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Aberdine at the Happy Valley Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Sincerely, Badger, Bender, Cajole – Attorneys at Law

Saint Nick

Posted in Seasonal

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house everybody felt shitty even the mouse.
Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass I’d just settled down for a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn I heard such a clatter
I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter.
Then out on the lawn I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment it must Saint Nick.
He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment the fucker had fell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.
He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart the son of a bitch blew the chimney apart.
He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight piss on you all and have a hell of a night!!!