Three nuns die, but they all have to answer one question to get into heaven. The first nun is asked who the first man on earth was. She replies, “Oh that’s easy, Adam!” Lights flash and the pearly gates open.The second nun is asked “Who was the first woman on earth?” she says, “That’s easy, Eve!” Lights flash and the gates open.The Third nun is asked, “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?” The nun is puzzled and can’t figure it out, so she says, “That’s a hard one.” Lights flash up and the pearly gates open.

A Vicar and his friend, Colin were playing golf.

Colin misses a 3 foot putt and yells, “Goddamn it, missed the bugger!” and the vicar says, “If you keep saying that then God will punish you.”

Next hole Colin misses a 2 foot putt and says “Goddamn it, missed the bugger!” and the vicar says, “ONE more time Colin, and God will punish you!”

Then Colin misses a one foot putt and “GOD DAMN IT!!!MISSED THE BUGGER!”

Suddenly clouds form overhead. God comes down from Heaven and strikes the Vicar dead with a bolt of thunder.

God says, “Goddamn it! Missed the bugger!”

Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven.

The gatekeeper at the gate to heaven says, “There are too many people in heaven so you have to pass this quiz to get in.”

Forrest Gump says, “Okay.”

The gatekeeper says, “First question: What two days of the week begin with T?”

Gump replies, “That’s easy. Today and tomorrow.”

The gatekeeper says, “Well, I didn’t think of that so I’ll give it to you.

Second question: How many seconds are in a year?”

Gump says, “12, January 2nd, February 2nd…”

The gatekeeper says, “That wasn’t what I was thinking, but I’ll give it to you.

Last question: What is God’s first name?”

Gump replies, “Howard.”

The gatekeeper says, “How on earth did you get Howard?”

Gump says, “It’s common sense. Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name.”

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone. “I went to get a haircut,” was the reply.
“But,” said the pastor, “why didn’t you do that before the service?”
“Because,” the gentleman said, “I didn’t need one then.”