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Virgin’s Confession

Posted in Religion

A sixteen year-old virgin girl has a bad day, so she goes to visit her priest after hours in his office. Late that evening, she goes to his office for guidance and confession.

“Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday”.
” Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?” the priest asked.
” Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission”.
” Do you mean like this?” he asked, as he touched her arm.
” Yes, Father”.
” That’s no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch.”
” But, Father, he also touched my breasts.”
” Do you mean like this?” he asked, as he touched her breasts.”
” Yes, Father.”
” That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”
” But, Father, he took off my clothes.”
” Do you mean like this?” he asked, as he removed her clothes.
” Yes, father.”
” That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”
” But, Father, then he put his you-know-what in my you-know-where.”
” Do you mean like this?” he asked, as he put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
” Yes, Father.”
” That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”
” But, Father, he has herpes!”
Remarked the Father, “That son-of-a-bitch!”

Smoking Nuns

Posted in Religion

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, “It’s bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn’t find them”.

The second nun said, “I’ve found a marvellous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later”.

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. “You get them at a drug store, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.”

The next day the good sister went to the drugs store and walked up to the counter.”Good morning, sister”, the pharmacist said, “what can I do for you today?” “I’d like some condoms please”, said the nun.

The druggiest was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, “How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.” “I’ll take six boxes. That should last about a week”, said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice. “Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size”.

The sister thought for a minute and finally said: “I’m not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?”

No Cussing In Church

Posted in Religion

A man went to church one day and afterwards he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you WHAT, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!”

The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use that kind of language in the Lord’s House.

The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering
plate!”

The preacher said, “No shit?”

The Pope vs. Moishe

Posted in Religion

About a century or two ago, the Pope challenged the Jewish community of Rome to a debate.

The Jews looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer. It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe who spent his life sweeping up after people to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the rules of debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews win”.

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger, to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible. “What happened?” they asked.

“Well,” said Moishe, “first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here”.

“And then?” asked a woman.

“I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch and I took out mine”.

4 Sons

Posted in Religion

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility said, “I have four sons. One more and I’ll have a basketball team”.

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, “That’s nothing! I have 10 sons, one more and I’ll have a football team”.

The Mormon replied, “You fellas ain’t got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course”.