Cross a snowman...
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

Ya Wanna Find Jesus?

A drunk man stumbled into a church where there were baptisms being performed. The priest noticed him and asked him if he wanted to find Jesus.

Sure, said the drunk man. “I’ll find Jesus.” So the priest took the drunk man’s head and dunked it into the baptismal waters. When he came up for air, he was sputtering and couging.

Damn, said the drunk man. “Are you sure he fell in there?”

Marriage Made In Heaven

A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.

St. Peter tells them that he’ll do his best to work on it for them.

Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

He says, “”I’m still working on it.”"

Two years pass by and no marriage.

St. Peter again assures them that he’s working on it.

Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it’s time for their wedding.

The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

Can you arrange it for us? they ask.

St. Peter replies, “Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?”

God’s Speed of Service

A man asked God how much a million dollars was to him. God replied, ”Oh, about one penny.” Then the man asked how much an eternity was to him. God replied, ”Oh, about a second.” Then the man asked. ”Can I have a million dollars and live an eternal life?” God replied, ”Sure, just wait a sec.”

Sex In Advertising

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: “TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00.”

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, “JESUS SAVES.”

One of the girls asked the cop, “How come you don’t stop them?!”

“Well, that’s a little different,” the cop smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

“TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER — $50.00.”

Nuns Repainting

Nuns where repainting their chapel. They kept getting paint on their clothes so they decided to remove them, but agreed not to let ANYONE in until they were done and replaced their clothing. Then they heard some one knocking and one of them yelled, “Whooo is it?” ”The blind man!” He yelled back. They decided since he was blind it would be all right.

They opened the door and the man said, ”Nice boobs! Where do you want the blinds?”

May I Borrow the Car?

A son walks into the living room and asks his dad to borrow the car because he has a hot date.

The dad says, ”Sure, as soon as you cut your long hair.”

The boy smiles and thinking he has outsmarted his dad replies, ”Dad, Jesus had long hair…”

And the dad replies, ”Yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went too, didn’t he?”

Good Boys

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee one afternoon.

The first Catholic women tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him father.”

The second Catholic woman chirps, “My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him ‘your grace.’”

The third Catholic lady says, “My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he’s called ‘Your Eminence.’”

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women prod her with a subtle, “Well??”

So she replies, “My son is 6′2. He has broad, square shoulders. Terribly handsome. Tight muscular body. Hard buns and a very nice bulge. He is also a male dancer at a female strip club and whenever he walks into a room, women gasp,’OH MY LORD!’”

Bible questions

A lady is riding the subway, reading her Bible.

A man sitting next to her, seeming amused, asks her, “You don’t really believe what they say in there, do you?”

“Every word,” she replied.

“OK,” he asks, “how about the Noah story, the flood, the animals - do you believe that?”

“Absolutely,” she said.

“What about God creating the universe in six days?”

“All true, I believe every word.”

“What about Jonah - how could a man live for three days in the belly of a whale?” he asks.

“Yes, I believe that too,” she says.

“Well, how could that be - how did he breathe?”

” I don’t know,” she said. “When I get to Heaven, I’ll ask him.”

“What if he’s not in Heaven,” the guy asks.

The lady replies, “In that case, you can ask him!”