How many rednecks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”
Three. One to hold the bulb, and two to turn the ladder.
The phone in a college dean’s office rang, and his secretary answered, “Hello, Acme University”.
“Howdy”, replied a man with a heavy Texas accent, “Could Ah please speak to the Head Hog at the Trough?”
After a long pause, the secretary said coldly, “Excuse me?”
“Ah want the Head Hog at the Trough”, said the Texan.
“Listen, Redneck”, snapped the angry secretary, “The dean of our fine school is referred to as ‘Dean Brown’ or ‘Doctor Brown’. We do NOT refer to him as the ‘Head Hog at the Trough’! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!”
After an even longer pause, the Texan replied quietly, “Yeah, Ma’am. Ah understand. Guess Ah heard wrong about your school bein’ nice and neighbourly. Looks like Ah’ll jest have to donate muh poor ol’ pappy’s hundred million bucks to another place”.
“Wait, wait!” shouted the secretary. “Here comes the Big Pig now!!”
Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their pickemup truck. Another hunter approached pulling his along too. “Hey,” says the lone hunter, “I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.” After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try. A little while later one says to the other, “Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!” “Yep,” the other added, “but we’re gittin’ further away from the truck….”
What do a Redneck divorcee and a Tornado have in common?
— either way, you’re gonna lose your trailer…
Why did the redneck drive his pickup truck over the edge of a cliff?
— He wanted to test out his new air brakes.
There was this redneck that walked into a bar and ordered a beer. While he was waiting on his drink he noticed a jar of money sitting on the counter. When the bartender came back the redneck asked the bartender about the money. The bartender replied, “Well, this money is for the goat we have outside”.
The redneck was puzzled so he asked again. “What exactly is this money for”.
The bartender replied. “Well, We have a goat outside and he just lays there and never moves or hollers or anything and who ever can make him holler gets this money”.
So the redneck finished him beer and goes outside. He comes back in and the goat is laughing so hard and can’t stop. The bartender asks how he did it and the Redneck won’t answer. So the redneck walks out of the bar with the money.
A week later the Redneck comes in and sees the same bartender. He orders the same thing. And this time he sees another jar of money. He asks the bartender what this money was for. The bartender replies “Well, ever since you got that goat to laugh, we can’t get him to stop. So we made another jar. Who ever can get that goat to stop laughing gets the money”. So, just like last time he finished his beer and went out side.
Well when he came in, the goat was crying. The bartender was wondering how he did it and the redneck replied, “A redneck never lets out his secrets”. So, he took his money and left.
About a week later the redneck came back and he saw another jar of money. So, he asked the bartender what this jar was. The bartender replied “Well, you have us all wondering how you did it. First you made him laugh then you made him cry and we want to know how you did it.” The redneck just sat there laughing. He says “Well, to make him laugh, I told him my penis was bigger than his and to make him cry, well, I proved it to him”.