If cartoons were meant for adults, they’d put them on in prime time.
Marge: I’m sure you’ll make plenty of friends. All you have to do is be yourself.
Lisa: Be myself? I’ve been myself for eight years and it hasn’t worked.
On Nelson: He’s not like anybody I’ve ever met. He’s like a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a vest.
I am the Lizard Queen!
Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known… then went crazy as a loon.
Relax? I can’t relax! Nor can I yield, relent, or… Only two synonyms? Oh my God, I’m losing my perspicacity! Aaaaa!
[Lisa in goal for hockey team]
Lisa: Milhouse, knock him down if he’s in your way! Jimbo, Jimbo, go for the face! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard! Hack the bone! Hack the bone!
The strong must protect the Sweet.
Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy’s piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure… not even close.
Homer no function beer well without.
When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.
I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes!
[Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Virgin just like balloon … one prick, all gone.
Secretary not permanent until she screwed on desk.
Man who put cock in Peanut Butter jar is F***ing Nuts.
Man with tool in woman mouth May not necessarily be dentist.
Couple on 7-day honeymoon make hole weak.
Girl who marry Richard must kiss Dick.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who excels at putting worm on hook is Master Baiter
Man young when he snatches kisses, old when he kisses snatches.
Man who loses key to lady’s apartment get no new-key.
Man who go to sleep with itchy butt, wake with smelly fingers…
War do not determine who right, war determine who left.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
Schoolboy who play with schoolgirl during wrong period, get caught red-handed.
Girl who sit on judge’s lap get an honourable discharge.
Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
He who farts in church sits in own pew.
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
He who fish in other’s hole often catch crabs.
Man who go to bed with hard problem wake up with solution in hand.
Squirrel who run up woman’s leg not find nuts.
He who kisses woman’s ass get crack in jaw.
Passionate kiss just like spider web – lead to undoing of fly.
Girl who sit on jockey’s lap get hot tip.
If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy, feeling nuts.
Woman who go to bachelor apartment for snack get tit-bit.
Man who put rooster in Ice Compartment take out Stiff Cock.
No difference between man and mouse – both end in pussy.
Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.
I’m going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes … I believe I’ll start, as you’ve so often suggested, by eating your shorts!
I have caught word that a child is using his imagination and I’ve come to put a stop to it.
Order, order. Do you kids wanna be like the real UN or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?
That’s two independent thought alarms in one day. Willie, the children are over-stimulated. Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
Children, I couldn’t help monitoring you conversation. There’s no mystery about Willie. Why, he simply disappeared. Now, let’s have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.
There’s no justice like angry-mob justice.
Hello, Simpson. I’m riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.
I’ve always admired car owners and I hope to be one myself as soon as I finish paying off mother. She insists I pay her retroactively for the food I ate as a child.
That’s why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.