My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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He’s proof that there’s life after death.
- Mort Sahl on Ronald Reagan

The only genius with an IQ of 60.
- Gore Vidal on Andy Warhol

He’s so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund.
- Muhammad Ali on Joe Frazier

She’s so stupid she returns bowling balls because they’ve got holes in them.
- Joan Rivers on Bo Derek

Are You Single?

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
- Bob Wells

Can’t act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.
- Screen Tester on Fred Astaire

An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf.
- Ross Perot on Dan Quayle

Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.
- Rex Reed on Marlon Brando

He could start a row in an empty house
- Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise

When Kissinger can get the Nobel Peace Prize, what is there left for satire?
- Tom Lehrer on Henry Kissinger

Shaw writes his plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve.
- George Nathan on George Bernard Shaw

He is to acting what Liberace was to pumping iron.
- Rex Reed on Sylvester Stallone

What makes him think a middle aged actor, who’s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?
- Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood’s bid to become mayor of Carmel

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.
- Shakespeare

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Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.

Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

Man who smoke pot choke on handle.

Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Man who have women on ground have piece on earth.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Take many nails to make a crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who go to bed with itchy ass wake up with sticky fingers.

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You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. — Erica Jong

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. — Rita Rudner

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde. — Dolly Parton

I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. — Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. — Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. — Sue Grafton
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