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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his hometown for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, “I’ll just have the eggs Benedict.” His order comes a while later and it’s served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, “What’s with the hubcap?” The waiter sings, “Oh, there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!”

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” No, I’m sorry, replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writer’s cramp.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they are twins – if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal!”

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Puns (Part 13)

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To know avail is to know a scarf.
With a little boy who is always happy in the morning we could watch the son rise and then the son shine.
Witches are good at spell-ing.
When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the students were de-lighted.
Those who experiment with thin ice will achieve a breakthrough.
When the beautician was asked to complete her make-up work she blushed.
Many people are strongly attracted to a magnate.
When the human cannonball retired they couldn’t find a replacement of the right caliber.
Swimming instructors are always getting immersed in their work.
When she made Mario Puzo’s books required reading for her class, she made him an author they couldn’t refuse.
When Peter Pan spoke to Captain Hook he made an off-hand comment.
A little girl who was always talking was nicknamed ‘little miss information’.
Some people find fire drills quite Alarming.
We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.
As soon as the airplane was invented, things were looking up.
When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition company he finally brought down the house.
When the plums dry on your tree, it’s time to prune.
When they spilled coffee on his neck, he got hot under the collar.
When there are auto accidents in Sudan the vehicles go the the Khartoum.
When their boy was little they only got rest after son down.

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Puns (Part 12)

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What did the triangle say to the circle? You’re so pointless.
If you send a letter to the Philippines put it in a Manila envelope.
While in Mexico, the chinese diplomat got a ticket for going the Wong way on the Juan Way street.
Workmen with special hats have super-visors.
Why can’t we let evil people have flutes? Because then the terrorists woodwind.
Why are Italians so good at making coffee? Because they really know how to espresso themselves.
When you get a transfusion in a Taiwanese hospital, you receive Taipei blood.
Look for an auto scrap yard at a junk-tion.
When it came time to judge, the carpenter was floored by the panel.
Whether you use a keyboard or a knife be careful with your back slash.
Things made in Australia are high koala-ty.
When you use glue in class it paste to be careful.
Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte problems.
Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.
Your nose is in the scenter of your face.
You have to give credit to people who work in stores during a holiday – and many people do.
Yachts that your brothers own are relation ships.
Will this computer last five years? Obsoletely!
Can a piece of antique clothing be uncomfortable? Of corset can.
Why did the Latin student end up being a bachelor? Because every time he was asked to conjugate, he declined.

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Puns (Part 11)

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Gardeners like to plant their feet firmly.
If you say you have bad skin, I’d say that was a pore excuse.
We are all speaking American. Is this a country diction in terms?Anon
Watching your own back is a sign of flexibility.
A music store owner has to have sound business practices.
The satellite went into orbit on January 1st causing a new year’s revolution.
Using fingers to count is a digit-al calculator.
Vandals destroyed many road signs. They really pulled out all the stops.
Vines are extremely short-tempered. They snap at the slightest wind.
She owned twenty shoe stores and was very well heeled.
What is the best store to be in during an earthquake? A stationery store.
What does a storm-cloud wear under it’s coat . . . . Thunderwear!
Father and son love sunflower seeds, and the son is the spitting image of his dad.
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway).
What you seize is what you get.
What did the guy say, who needed the restroom, when he found someone blocking him? ‘Urine my way’.
We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When some people open their mouth they put their feat in.
What do you call a arrogant fugitive falling from a building? Condescending.
Nylons give women a run for their money.

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Puns (Part 10)

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He was a criminal with crooked thoughts and found it hard to think straight.
When a spy trails a businessman, he has to follow suit.
When a son said that his ambition was to drive an army tank his father said ‘I won’t stand in your way.
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.
My two uncles bet who would get married first. Then one upped the ante.
Some students concentrate lesson history and moron themselves.
When a thief saw two rings he did a double take.
On the shelf there are ten math books, five geography books, and the rest is history.
When vegetables want to converse with petunias, they use a cell phone and cauliflower.
Those whose child is going through a ‘phase’ may wish they had a phaser.
When my friend started to go bald, I tried not to laugh, but he looked hair-larious.
When Mongolians walk they like to take big steppes.
When he stepped out into the dusk with his three brothers he had a sudden four-shadowing.
Pearl Opal and Ruby all work in a jewelry store with Grace.
He became a math teacher due to some prime factors.
When Irish boys carry their little brothers, they get a Pat on the back.
When I had my PlayStation stolen, my family were there to console me.
A new country decided to conduct a flag poll.
Washing blankets with perfume is quilty until proven in a scent.
The school had a door made of iron. That was why it was called the school of hard knocks.

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