Dyslexic Man
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Caught Speeding

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked “Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don’t think it’s fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?”

“Ever go fishing?” the policeman suddenly asked the man.

“Ummm, yeah…” the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added “Ever catch all the fish?”

Traffic Lights

One day, two guys decide to take a drive to a local grocery store to get some lunch. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, “What the heck are you doing? You’re going to get us killed!” Then the driver responded, “Don’t worry, my mother allways drives like this.”

So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, “I thought I told you, you’re gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!” The driver looked at the passenger and responded, “All right! I get it but I told you My mother drives like this all the time!”
Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The Driver slammed on his breaks and stopped the car totally. “What the hell are you doing?” The passenger screamed. “This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?” “Well, my mother might be coming the other way!” the driver said.

Used Car Lot

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
“Heavens no, we bought it.”
“Then why don’t you drive it away.”
“We can’t drive.”
“Then why did you buy it?”
“We were told that if we bought a Used car here we’d get screwed …so we’re just waiting.

Weaving

A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”
Guy: “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”
Officer: “Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
Guy: “I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”
Officer: “Well, then, we need a urine sample.”
Guy: “I’m sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.”
Officer: “All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
Guy: “I can’t do that, officer.”
Officer: “Why not?”
Guy: “Because I’m drunk.”

Caught Speeding

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”
Man: “No sir, I was going 60.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.”
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.”
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.”
Man: “Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.”
Man turns to his wife and yells: “Shut your damn mouth!”
Officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”
Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.”

Stolen Viagra

Did you hear there was about the stolen shipment of Viagra , the police are looking for three hardened criminals.

Highway Patrol

The woman in question, a cute blonde as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: “I bet you’re going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen’s Ball.”
He replied “No, highway patrolmen don’t have balls.”
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

10 speed bike

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn’t gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn’t fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, “…and you’re not going to believe this, but there’s guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass.”