Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if, by some miracle, they actually found the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged across two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE RUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!
IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THIS HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS….

I’m sorry… what did you ask me?

Every morning a man drives to the dock, and every morning the man takes the ferry to work. One morning, he wakes up, and has no electricity. He has no idea what time it is, but assumes he’s late since he has a tendency to sleep late anyway. So he slams down some breakfast, hauls ass to the dock, sees the ferry ten feet from the dock, and takes a running leap. He barely makes it, skidding across the deck of the boat, and hurting himself quite badly.

You know, said the captain, “in another minute we would have docked.”

One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball into the woods. When he went to retrieve it, he found that it had hit a small man in green tights.

I’m so sorry! the man said.

Don’t worry about it. Anyway, you caught me. I’m a leprechaun and you have managed to stop me. You get three wishes.

Oh, no, I don’t want the wishes. Just as long as you’re okay. The leprechaun thought the man was so nice he decided to grant three wishes for him. He gave him unlimited money, terrific health, and a great sex life. The man came back to the golf course the next year and recognized that same leprechaun.

How’re you doing? asked the leprechaun.

Oh, terrific. Every time I stick my hand in my pocket a 100 dollar bill comes out and I’ve eaten nothing but Snickers bars for a year and I’m at my ideal weight and can run a mile faster than anyone.

How’s your sex life? asked the leprechaun.

Fantastic! I’m up to twice a week now!

Twice a week? Why so little? I gave you a great sex life wish!

Hey, it’s not bad for a priest!

Bill and Bob go on a hunting trip. At night in their tent, Bill tells Bob about a hunting trip he went on in Canada. “A few years ago I was in Canada hunting. My buddies and I called it a night and made camp. When I woke up there was a moose right in front of my face! I was so scared I s**tmy pants!”
Bob replies, “Hell, I woulda s**t my pants too, crazy moose.”
Bill looks at Bob seriously and says, “No, I really s**t my pants. Apparently I s**t my pants when I sleep and the smell attracted the moose. Good night Bob.”