Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank…
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs for the future, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter man 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery; Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and
will be answered by an automated voice service:
Press buttons as follows:
I. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
will be communicated at a later date to the Authorised Contact.
8.To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 9.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I’ve chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: Oh, the bank’s are made
of marble, with a guard at every door and the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for.;
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of £20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorised Contact will be billed at £5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75p a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client, (Name Withheld)
Need a soft pencil? 2B or not 2B, that is the question.
Got a bit of a cough? TB or not TB, that is the question.
Shopping for soft cheese? Two Brie or not two Brie, that is the question.
Got a bill you can’t afford? To pay or not to pay, that is the question.
Going bald? Toupee or not toupee, that is the question.
Caught in need of a public convenience? To pee or not to pee, that is the question.
Fancy a holiday in the Far East? Taipei or not Taipei, that is the question.
Looking for services on the M6? Tebay or not Tebay , that is the question.
Going camping? Teepee or not teepee, that is the question.
Looking for an ornamental jug? Toby or not Toby, that is the question.
Fancy going to see a stand up comedian? Tarby or not Tarby, that is the question.
Bored housewife? Toyboy or not toyboy, that is the question.
A man is in court for murder and the judge says ‘You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.
Then a voice at the back of the court says, ‘you bastard.’
Then the judge continues, ‘you are also charged With beating Your daughter to death with a hammer’.
Again the voice at the back of the court says, ‘you bastard’.
The judge says, ‘now we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge You With contempt, now what is the problem?’
Then the man at the back of the court says, ‘fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!’
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver “What’s that building there?”
“That’s the Royal York Hotel” replied the cabbie.
“The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?” asked the Texan.
“About 12 years” replied the cabbie.
“12 years? We build ‘em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months.”
A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. “What’s that building over there?” asked the Texan.
“That’s the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre” replied the cabbie. “Convention Centre? How long’d it take to build that?” asked the Texan.
“About three years” replied the cabbie.
“Three years? We build ‘em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks.” Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower.
“What’s that building there?” asks the Texan, pointing at the tower.
“Danged if I know” replied the cabbie, “It wasn’t here when I drove by yesterday.”
God breathes life into Adam and tells him… “You are man, my most favoured creation, because of this I am going to give you the penis, and the brain”.
Adam replies…”Thank you lord, thank you so much, thank you”.
God says back to him, “Don’t get to excited, there’s a catch”.
Adam asks, “What is the catch?”
God answers, “I’m only going to give you enough blood in your body to use one of that a time”.