Chicken and egg
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking very frustrated. The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

Two guys in heaven

Two guys meet in heaven, and are chatting about how they died. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy says he died of a heart attack.

How did that happen? asks the first guy.

Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife and another man. But when I went inside, I searched and searched for her, but couldn’t find anybody. I was stricken with such remorse for accusing my wife of infidelity that I had a heart attack on the spot.

Geez, says the first guy. “If you’d've opened the fridge, we’d both be alive right now.”

Midgets Rock Las Vegas

Two midgets on a bender in Vegas hire two hookers and take ‘em out for a night on the town. After cocktails and gambling, they all head back to their hotel room at the MGM Grand.

However, the night doesn’t quite turn out as planned. Since he’s had too much to drink, one of the midgets can’t get it up at all, and, to make matters worse, he has to listen to the other one say “1, 2, 3, huh,” over and over again, all night. The next morning, the first midget is complaining.

Man, did that suck. I was soft all night.

You think that’s bad, said the other midget. “I couldn’t even get onto the bed.”

Airplane Hijinx

Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.

Where you flyin’ to? says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.

Don’t you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition? The southern woman thinks about this for a second.

Where you flyin’ to, bitch?

Closest Shave Ever

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

I have just the thing, says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.” The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”

No problem, says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!”

Three Kinds of People

There are three kinds of people in the world — those who can count and those who can’t.

Test Your Mind

Now here is a little test to check your mind … dont blink …just click this link…

Washington Survey

A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were asked if they would ever sleep with President Clinton.
60% said, “Never again!”

Three Buttons

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but found it to be occupied.

The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and had a look of pain and anxiety on his face. “Sir,” she said, “the ladies’ restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”

He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: “WW”, “WA”, and “PP”, and there was one red button labeled “ATR.”

Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn’t just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the “WW” button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The men’s restroom didn’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the “WA” button. Warm air replaced the warm water, wafting and swirling about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the “PP” button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies’ room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender, loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy.

He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

“What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies’ restroom on a flight to Atlanta!”

“You pushed one too many buttons,” replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. “That last button marked “ATR” is an automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”