A Mexican walks into a bakery and asks, “Excuse me, may I have a bum, please?” The baker laughs and says, “Oh, you must mean a bun, sure, here you go.”

The Mexican next goes to the hardware store. He asks the clerk, “Excuse me, can I get a fucket here?” The clerk laughs and says, “Oh, you must mean a bucket. Of course!”

The Mexican then goes to a pet shop. He asks the manager, “May i have a Cockandspankit?” The manager laughs and says. “I think i misunderstood you, you must mean a Cockerspaniel.

On his way home, the Mexican loses the leash on his dog. The Mexican frantically runs after it and yells at a woman and asks, “Can you please hold my bum and f*** it, while I go get my cock and spank it?”

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A young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Mo-ped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there sonny?”

The young man replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars”

That’s a lot of money, says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”

Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour! states the young man proudly.

The old man asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”

No problem, replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his Mo-ped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my Mo-ped!”

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be. Suddenly something whips by him going much faster!

What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari? the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the Mo-ped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Mo-ped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do.

Suddenly, the Mo-ped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out and to see, unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?”

The old man whispers, “Unhook…my…suspenders…from…your…side-view…mirror”.

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A man walked into a grocery store to get some dog food for his dog. He couldn’t find the aisle with the pet food so he goes to ask the cashier, “Can I get some dog food?” The cashier asked, “Do you have any proof that you have a dog? I can’t sell dog food to people that do not have dogs.” The man was a little confused but showed him a picture of his dog anyway. The man sold him the food and told him to have a nice day.

The next week the man came back for some cat food. Once again he could not find the pet food and had to ask the cashier. Once again the cashier would not sell him the food if he didn’t have proof of an animal. He showed the picture of his cat, bought the food and went along his way.

The next week the man once again went to the grocery store, but this time with a small box. The box had a small hole in it. He proceeded to the cashier. “Put your fingers in this hole please,” asked the man. “Why should I,” the cashier replied. The man insisted, so the cashier complied. He pulled his finger out.
“It looks and smells like shit!” exclaimed the cashier.
“Very good,” said the man, “Now I would like a package of toilet paper please.”

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Horn broken – watch my finger

P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals

College grad and prowd uv it

Money talks, but mine only says goodbye.

Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.

JUST SAY “NO” TO STUPIDITY

My other car is ………also a piece of $hit

I wouldn’t laugh mister it could be your daughter in this car.

Caution: Travels at the speed limit.

Real women pick up the check

If you like Hanson, honk 3 times and run into a tree.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Real men don’t ask directions

I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.

Ever had a loaded weapon pointed at you…..Keep honking.

Bad cop … no doughnuts for you.

What the hell are you looking at?

Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians!

I didn’t invent Sin, I’m just trying to perfect it.

Honk if you love silence.

Drive it like you stole it.

You are driving a car not a phone booth!

Go on, I’ll see you at the next traffic light!

Quit moving Buddy, cos I’m aiming

CAUTION – Driver legally Blonde!

Boldly going nowhere…

If you can read this, I’ve lost my trailer.

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A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. “So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.

“I am a Torah scholar,” he replies.

“A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”

“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us”.

“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”

The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

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