A Colonel and a Major are in the BOQ arguing. The Colonel says sex is 90% work and only 10% pleasure.
The Major argues the opposite: 90% pleasure and 10% work. They can’t agree, so seek a 3rd party to arbitrate.
The only person around is a Private doing latrine orderly duty. They ask him his opinion.

He asks them if he could speak freely, and they tell him to go ahead. He answers, “Well, if you really ask my opinion, I’d say it’s all pleasure, for if there was any work connected with it, you SOB’s would have me doing it”!

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R &R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, and then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

Could I please sit in that seat?” he asked. The lady was insulted. “You bloody Americans are so rude,” she said. “Can’t you see my dog is sitting there?” He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

Lady, I love dogs – have a couple at home – so I would be glad to hold your dog if I could sit down, he said. The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant too.” He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, “Lady, I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?” The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious!”

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.

“Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady’s description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand,and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.”

A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the Navy man”s truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.

Now, the rivalry between Army and Navy is well known, so needless to say a heated argument followed. Then suddenly the Navy man changed heart and said, “Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let”s put this rivalry behind us.”

The Army man agreed this was a good idea. So the Navy man offered, “Why don”t we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the truck.”

The Army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the Navy man, being a gentleman, offered the Army man the first drink, and told the Army man to drink as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the Navy man who said, “Thanks, but I”ll wait till after the cops get here!”

Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line. When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him a broom

“This is a magic broom — point it at anybody, say ‘Bangity bangity bang,’ and they will die.” Bob was really worried because he didn’t think it would work, but he got in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bob’s turn came and they had ran out.

“Don’t worry.” said the man issuing them out. “I will give you this magic carrot — point it at somebody, say ‘Stabbity stabbity stab,’ and they will die.”

Now Bob is terrified, going into battle with a broom and carrot, when the sirens go off, signaling invasion. Bob goes out, only to be laughed at by the enemy. One enemy even comes up to him, hoping to get a good shot at him. Well, Bob didn’t have anything to lose so he pointed at him and said “Bangity bangity bang!” and the guy fell down dead. He did the same thing with the magic carrot. Amazed at what was happening, he continued to fight. Then, a guy came slowly up to him and he would not die. Bob tried to shoot and stab him, but he wouldn’t die. The last words poor Bob heard as he was being trampled over were “Tankity tankity tank.”